Enthusiasm and excitement overwhelm me! I'm finally going to do it!
I get a hit of dopamine with every thought of anticipation: counting my money, getting into the car, driving to the gas station, buying the smokes and a brand new lighter in my favorite color, putting down the money and picking up my treasure. I want to make it extra special so I'll go to my patio with my large glass of iced tea next to me. Put my feet up smell the fresh cut grass, trees, and flowers in the garden. Then I pick up the pack, tap the bottom, carefully remove the cellophane, pull out the cigarette, stroke it, smell the tobacco. I get my my lighter out and now, I'm so excited my hand shakes a bit - I'm almost there!
I put the cig between my lips and even pretend to toke it a time or 2. It's time! I'm really going to do it - I'm going to have my first smoke in 8 years - WOW! I can just imagine the high I am about to feel!
I flip my Bic and......
UGH! It doesn't smell good after all! In fact it's disgusting! But I spent so much time and mental effort talking myself into this! It will get better in a second! Puff! Oh, the gross taste hits my clean mouth and rolls over my teeth and down my throat! *Cough*cough* My stomach starts flipping, What was the Big Deal?
Guilt! Shame! Disgust! Nerves! What the f*** was I thinking?
Yet I keep smoking! I'm not going to waste so much money for nothing! Toke!
Oh, what will I tell my wife? Oh Gosh, my Son will be soooo disappointed!!
My cheeks turn bright red and hot! I feel like a little kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar!
And BecomeanEX! I can't possibly go there and tell them what I did. And why? I can't even explain it to myself! Why? Why not? Oh yeah, those millions of reasons why not hit me like a brick!
And I wake up, the dream turns to ashes and like Scrooge, say "Freedom! I'm Free! Thank you, Lord, I am FREE! Not One Puff Ever! Never ever no matter what! Praise the Lord! It was only a dream!"