Borderline timeline

Blog Post created by TheNicoleMonster on Jan 9, 2019

I know its way past time but i'm bordering on acceptance. My doctors set me up with an impossible task and left me with conflicting options. 


12/20  was told to quit ASAP for surgery Jan 16th. Nicotine blood test taken. Was told another would be taken a week prior to surgery and if there wasn't a significant decrease they would not fix my shoulder. 


1/2 Initial quit date somewhat successful. Armed with snacks and water went to work and didn't falter. Got home smoked one. Repeat for 3 days. Identified my comfy space and a trigger. Sadface. 



1/4 First appointment i could get with my primary care physician who tells me its impossible to quit in two weeks. Puts me on an NRT regiment and welburtrin.


1/4 9:00pm Was told a good friend was found dead by her roommate. 33 years old, no obvious reason. Smoked my one for the day.


1/5 Late to work and could not get prescriptions filled till evening. Began regiment at 6pm. Patches help. 


1/6 Fired from my job for being late the day after my friend died. Watched football. Very manic, Fell off the wagon 3 smoked. GO Eagles. 


1/7 Trigger city. Casino - didn't smoke.

      Car - 1

      Bar with mourning friends - diddt smoke.

      Home - 2 smoked.

THINGS ARE GETTING OUT OF HAND. Too many stressors too many excuses and if i don't quit i wont get fixed and wont be able to find a new job. PANIC SETTING IN.


1/8 The wake was brutal. I smoked one at 9 pm and gave up.Got home and saw the results of my first blood test. VERY HIGH. Spoke with my best friend paramedic and she said to nix the patches but it might be too late. Drank and mourned.  6 smoked. 


1/9 Phone call says i need to get my second blood test done tomorrow. No hope left. 24 hours to flush. It's literally life or death.  But i actually feel like i'm pretty close just need to let go. Then i panic about the future and it pulls me backwards. I have been crying for 4 days straight can i make it??