This is not a whine or pity blog. I don't want ANY of that! I really don't want to be kicked or judged either! I owe some of you an answer, you have asked me for one, if you are not one of those people, please stop reading NOW!
I am confused and afraid.
This all starts about 4 months ago. I felt like I was losing it, maybe dementia? I went to more than 1 Doctor complaining about, memory loss, loss of time, light-headedness, falling several times a day and more. For no reason, I have lost 31 pounds and my precious quit of 519 days and another of 10 days and most recently another for 120 + days.
Some have said that it's reasons/excuses. So, I just haven't wanted to talk about it. I am just sick about the whole thing. I truly thought I would never smoke again! I am grateful to still be sober and clean!
It's like this I drank hard and did a lot of drugs for 43 years and it took a toll. I am now 5 years sober and clean, but what's done is done. I have made my amends, the damage to my brain remains. I also smoked for 45 years and that also causes damage. 3 1/2 years ago I was given a very heavy narcotic for a headache at the ER (which they said later was a mistake, but at the time the nurse said you are gonna love this) I smacked the needle across the room but it was too late. I had gone in because I couldn't breathe and that medication sent me into respiratory distress. They sent me home. My caseworker came by on her way home from work (by the grace of God) and got me back to the ER. 55% blood ox and had to be vented, lost 6 days of memory and yes there was some other permanent loss and damage and yes I was awake and don't remember anything and yes I wanted to smoke so they put an alarm on my butt and restrained me to the bed. They tell me I was a mess and so I made everyone else's life a mess too!
Some have said people, places, and things, but I have been going through my old blogs and I was down at the club dancing with oxygen strapped to my back with smoking and drinking friends, from day one! Do I think it stinks hell yeah! But I lead, I do not follow and just because someone else does something doesn't mean I do, or I'd been, well it's been a wild ride! I will leave that to your imagination! Brandy was also here 4 of 7 days every week smoking and stinking. (He did not quit until I had already been quit 6 months).
Why did I smoke? I wanted to smoke one and I smoked, and I tried to do the recommended thing and come right back. This is not a one size fits all deal.
Some of the symptoms that have been going on for the 4 months are lessening and I am feeling better. The flu, COPD flare-up, stomach flu, and severe depression did not help. I am also diagnosed bi-polar, anxiety attacks, hyperactivity, PTSD, axis 2 and more. Still not an excuse/reason, because I quit for 519 days!
I am here every day reading and lurking. I don't have a right to participate in discussions/blogs or anything public, right now. I do hit the like button some, well a lot! haha!
I will be back! I need to find my willingness and determination and whatever it was I has the first time around. I am, it's slow but sure. The Doctors can't find what's wrong, besides all the crap we already know! I have good days and bad days with this!
Please know that I never had any intention of hurting myself or any of you! I Love you all and I miss you all too!
PS. I also get mad at things and toss 'em out the front door, I have been known to go outside in my socks when it's rainy and muddy, along with many other very strange things! LOL!
So why did I smoke???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for listening!