Tammyzhere

The stinky, security blanket I've clung to for 4 decades.

Blog Post created by Tammyzhere on Nov 17, 2017

For a smoker,

being without cigarettes

can be and usually is

a pretty scary thought.   

 

I made sure I never ran out of smokes.  EVER!

 

It's just so unnatural   for a smoker to be without smokes.   

Just the thought of being without smokes makes me wanna smoke.  

 

Always have to have smokes.  Always had to protected the supply.  It's just what addicts learn to do.   Whenever I got down to about 2-3 packs left in the carton, I'd just go buy another carton - that was back in the 80's when a carton cost about 20 dollars.  Over time, they cost more, which now required a road trip outta the city.  So now, I was up to 3 cartons each trip.  Roughly 300 a month for the "cheap" outta town smokes.  

 

What if ...  (a whole new world of possibilities)

I never had to buy them again? 

A novel idea I had in late Oct. 2017

but then I found about 7 packs in a carton in the back floor board in the car.   

Still the thought lingered.  I kept putting off buying more.  Already, I had disrupted the flow of my usual routine.  

 

So on Sunday Night (11/12/17) when I ran outta cigarettes again and again thought ... What if I never had to buy them again?   I did what most nicotine addicts do - looked thru the whole house for some.  Under the couch, in jacket pockets, etc.  No luck.  Then, I dug out all the alternative supplies that I've accumulated over the numerous times I've tried to quit or cut expenses over the years - the pipe / loose tobacco, patches, nicorette gum, 6 vapor sticks (and all the multi flavored oils) and charged them up.  

 

Monday - I made it thru the day without going to buy any smokes.  I cleaned up the house, showered, got dressed, put my cute boots on - even a winter scarf.  Then I sat on the couch and didn't leave the house.  It was kinda bizarre.  I felt lost and confused.  I've lost my best friend.  I just undressed and went to bed at 9:30pm.  Way early for me.   

 

On Tues 11/14 - I walked outta my house with no cigarettes.  I had every intention of leaving the doctor's appt and going to buy 3 cartons.  Instead, I went to the vapor store - which also sold smokes.  This was a very risky move.  I was outta my mind in withdrawal.   As I paced around looking crazy, a man came in and bought a pack of MY BRAND.  It cost 9 dollars - not too bad I thought (since the store by my house charged 11 for a pack).  I proceeded to spend 65 dollars on vape oils and supplies - 9 dollar scented candle.  I never pay 9 dollars for a candle.  A pack of smokes - yeah.  A candle - NO!  Made it back home without no cigarettes.  Didn't buy any.  Didn't bum any.  Another victorious day for me.  

 

Yesterday (11/15/17) my mom's birthday (if she was still alive) was the 2nd day in row that I left the house without any cigarettes (still weird for me) and didn't buy smokes.  This time, I took a sucker for the drive.   So far, all I've managed to do is not buy or bum cigarettes.   It was also the day I found this site and the link to a free pdf book in an old response posted by DJ.  I stayed up late reading that.  

 

Nicotine Addiction and all the crazy excuses / brainwashing and why we keep feeding that "little monster." 

Written by an EX-smoker, I find it pretty matter of fact.  It is called, "The Allen Carr Easyway to Quit book" 

a free PDF book that DJ recommended here at EX years ago.


I sent the link to a friend on skype and she sent me the Allen Carr Easyway to Stop Smoking youtube video.   I only watched a few minutes of that.  

 

11/16/17 Halfway thru "The Allen Carr Easyway to Quit book"  and Liking it - so far   He says you don't have to quit until you finish reading the book.  So what am I doing right now instead of finishing the book???  

 

It's kinda bothering me that I'm in this gray area of life here.  I am all kinda spaced out.  Just being without ANY cigarettes in the house is weird.  Leaving the house with no smokes is even weirder and then making it back home without buying any is a pretty HUGE deal.   

 

The other people here are so far ahead of me.  Counting their days of freedom.  I can't say that.  I'm just somewhere in between.  Other people who use the patch or vape probably have that same weird midplace feeling that I have too. 

 

What probably appears to be baby steps on the way to quitting feel like HUGE, life changing, gigantic strides to me.   

 

Guess I will go back to reading the book now....

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