This is a post I have shared on my social network sites
Today marks 3 months, exactly 13 weeks since my life was turned upside down. Lots of crying, tons of celebrating and memories shared, two trips to KC and a get together held here at home. Seeing lots of old friends, meeting new friends and meeting “online” friends in person for the first time. Stuff being given/sold/auctioned away. Lots of paperwork, phone calls and appointments canceled. Doing the day-to-day chores that he used to handle, not spending my days doing things for him, such as verifying appointments, making sure he took his medicine, making sure he was drinking enough water etc.
Although I quit smoking 10/31/17, I started again a few hours after he died. I did quit again 11/19/18. This go around was rather easy compared to last year. As I was taking inventory of the process a couple weeks ago I realized it was the comfort of the act and the numbing agent of nicotine that helped me get through the first two months after he passed.
I spent the last month truly grieving and learning how to actually deal with his loss vs just going outside and smoking. I drove 90 minutes to the neighboring town for a doctors appointment all by myself. I went to O'rileys myself and had them run a check on the battery, starter and alternator. I handled getting the needed new battery. I was the one to go with Gary to get the new brake pads vs just mentioning it to Grumpy and letting him and Gary handle it. I am the one who now checks the fluids and tires on a regular basis and I am the one to make sure the oil gets changed and the tires rotated. I am doing what needs to be done.
The last few weeks I have been going through his room and removing a few things so Gary could turn it into his game room. Last Tuesday Gary took the day off work and started moving things around. Got his gaming tv moved from the living room, we got the massage table folded (I of course had to take apart one of the legs that Grumpy fixed, but didn't put back properly so the table wouldn't fold close ~grin~) I of course cried as Gary and I were moving things around and talking about Grumpy.
In a lot of ways I am still very lost, with my thoughts, with my purpose, but I know I will find the new me. Parts of my past will always be with me as they are life experiences that have helped make me who I am today. I am stronger and a better person because of all I have experienced and learned from Grumpy. No one knows where life with lead them and I will not say otherwise. I am heart broken, but willing to allow love back into my life, (yes that means I am open to finding love again and yes, I have already been on a “date”). I know the love I have for Grumpy will never be replaced, but someday I know it will be enhanced and I know the love I go on to share with others will be influenced by the love I received from Grumpy, and all of those who I have loved in the past as well as those who I love now.
I do want to say thank you to everyone. It is because of you that I have been able to push through this terrible time. I know I still have a long ways to go, but I know one day I will be able to remember him with happiness vs sorrow.
