So I just read the blog post After the Dust Settles by Chuck, I took a few minutes to figure out how dang easy it is to link/reference another blog, but I did figure it out ~grin~ and will write about my week 3. I will say it has been "easy" as far as not smoking, no craves or urges except one. I know it was a whole lot different when I quit last year and I am pretty sure in a few years of being quit, while I will hold 11/19/2018 as my quit date, I will know I quit on 10/31/2018 and had a two month "slip" when my husband passed since I can comfortably say I used the ritual of smoking as my comfort and the nicotine as a way to block my true feelings of grief.
**The following paragraph is about my grief, depression and suicidal thoughts that put me in a dark spot for a few days. Please do not read if it will be a trigger for you. Today I am doing okay and I am still smoke free.
Friday when I made the 90 minute drive to the neighboring town, it was weird driving alone since I had never made this particular drive by myself and think I only drove it once, but was the passenger many times, but I was focused on making the right turn at the correct time and not lost in thought as I drove. 60 minutes of the drive is on a rural 2 lane highway. On the way back I crossed paths with a lot of semi trucks, most hauling the last of the crops that were finally being harvest after many weather delays this year. I was on automatic drive as I knew how to get home and knew what road to take. My thoughts about my life and where I am going with it and how it sucks that my husband died. I started to have flash backs of the day he died. He was at home, I was with him and I know he was gone before the EMT's arrived. I was second guessing my choice not to see him again before he was cremated. I started thinking about how easy it would be to swerve left in front of the semi truck that was inches away on the other side of the road going the opposite direction. Then my "I will not ruin another drivers life" came clearly to mind- more then likely they would survive the crash, but not the aftermath when I didn't. Then I saw the big metal power poles, if I angled just right, as I was on a decline, floor the gas peddle, I figure I could do some significant damage, hopefully enough to just end my misery. Then I realized I would end up doing some damage to the fence of the farm and if the cows or horses got out because of that, yes I would probably be dead, but the potential was enough for me to start thinking of something else. Icy ponds on the side of the road, angle across the road, make sure I hit the bank just so and I would flip and between the hypothermia and/or breathing water that would be a quick end. Oh yeah fencing, animals getting out, nix that idea. I was tempted to turn left and stop at the gas station at this point, but knew I would be buying cigarettes if I did so I turned right at the crossroads, had a drink of water and grabbed a breath mint and finished driving home. After I got home I ate an early dinner and got ready for the AA monthly birthday meeting. When my friend picked me up, he knew something was wrong I just said "Bad day, can we talk after the meeting?" of course he agreed and kept checking on me through the meeting since he just knew something wasn't right with me. After the meeting we talked-well I talked for a couple hours and he just listened and let me cry. The next few days- three more 12 step meetings, I was quiet where I normally talk, the final minutes of my husbands life was on a constant loop. I was ready to call my doctor Tuesday morning when something broke. I spent a good two hours just crying, hard, my dog was showing distress from my crying. I could not talk with all the crying, so I was getting ready to text my friend, heck any number of my friends would have dropped everything and been to my house within minutes or hours (depending on where they lived), but I just couldn't do it. A friend from out of state had shared a post on her timeline regarding the "Crisis Text line- just text home to 741741 and someone will text you back"-I am grateful I saw that post, my text message was to them. 30 minutes later, I was done crying and once again felt in control of my emotions and thoughts. 36 hours later two more 12 step meetings and two evening chats with my friend I am back in my "life sucks, but I will be okay" thought process.
Even with all the stressors outside of that moment driving near the gas station smoking has not be on my mind outside of counting up the days won as a non smoker.
Hold tight to your quits,
Tabbie 17 DOF