I'm stressed, hit with moments of "why bother", hit with emotions of loss ( just past the 1st anniversary of my dads death), I'm stressed. I just keep telling myself NOPE and keep grabbing my breath mints and coming to this site to read. I know smoking will do nothing positive for me, but it was a really close call this morning.
My husband drove his lawn mower over to mom's house to mow. I knew he would be gone about an hour so I spent the time making phone calls. One to change the location of his cardiologist appointment and one to get my "specialty medicine" for my MS. I use a copay assistance and the payments did not go through the last two months so I had a balance of just under $6000, I freaked and I got off the phone and headed to where the cigarettes are kept. My roommate already left for the day, but he has 3 packs up on the shelf. The same brand that I used to smoke, the same brand that my roommate and I would take turns buying by the carton. The same area that I have kept my breath mints so I would grab one of those instead of the pack. Today I came so close to not even going for the breath mints. For the first time since I quit almost 8 months ago I was thinking about grabbing a pack and heading outside. For the last 8 months I have always had the thought of "NOPE, just grab a breath mint". Today I did not and it scared the crap out of me. I quickly grabbed a breath mint and went down to the basement- I had laundry to move, I have access to a pool table and darts and not a cigarette in site downstairs in the basement. By the time I finished my breath mint, moved laundry and came back upstairs I was past the initial thought of smoking, but it lingered for a few hours and I have probably gone through more breath mints today then I have in the past month. Now more breath mints are on the grocery list for tomorrow, well worth it to have my tools in place and to know I made it through another day without smoking.
I think I got the co-pay assistance worked out. I cannot get my meds refilled till Monday, but since I will be out of town I have it scheduled for next Thursday delivery. They think I have a weeks supply left, but it's more like a six week supply left, shh don't tell anyone, but I hoard RX drugs ~grin~. Monday I go in for a brain and cervical MRI with and without contrast to a facility 3 1/2 hrs away. Then Tuesday hubby goes to see his neurologist in the big city, near where I get my MRI's. I do love the small town living (moved here just over 3 years ago), but with chronic illnesses it sucks finding local medical help so both my husband and I have kept our neurologists in the big city and travel a couple times a year. We do get to visit with some friends Monday night so that will be nice.
Today, since I had not given smoking a serious though in weeks, was truly hard. I made it through because I had my physical/mental quit kit handy though. I grabbed my breath mints and I removed myself from temptation by going down to the basement. I am kinda glad my husband was gone this morning too. If he would have been here and said/done the wrong thing I probably would have said screw it and started smoking again just to make him feel guilty even though he has done nothing wrong (outside of continuing to smoke, but that's a whole other story).
I am grateful for this site, for all of the wonderful people here who have helped in more ways then they can imagine.
Hold tight to your quits.
Tabbie
225 DOF
