~~~I know it would have been so easy to delete this before the intended posting of 10/31, but instead I am writing this addition now and will post it today. I have 101 excuses, but they are just that. While I am disappointed in myself for not holding tight to my quit date of 10/17, I am refreshed in my efforts to quit. I reached out earlier today, I got great advice, but I still I let the triggers take hold. I am grateful Grumpy (my husband) did pause when I said give me one as he pulled his 2nd one of the trip home out. I just kept driving and said "I am going to regret it..." he lit it up for me and passed it over. The moments before I popped a breath mint, I had a drink of water, I tried taking a deep breath, but I gave into it. I had 5 or 6 by the time we got home. The only physical sensation I got was the scratchy throat and I now have a headache. Thankfully I am still on Chantix and will be so for a few more weeks. After we got home I had to go back out to the pharmacy and decided to pick up dinner. I purposely chose not to take any with me. I honestly didn't think about smoking at the time, but just called myself an idiot and a few other choice words while out. A day not won, but I am determined to work on figuring out ways to help deal with the stresses that have hit me in the past 24 hours. I was anticipating a lot of them, even the "we can't complete the ablation at this time", but the reason for that, plus the others put on my plate... I had plans, but I just gave into what I had hope would be a quick fix when I should have found another way around. To answer the question about the drive home at the bottom of this post, it turned into a 6hr journey that was made a day early that had some bad and good outcomes, but one I will remember for many reasons~~~
Today is Tuesday the 17th just after 10 am.
You awoke this morning groggy from taking sleeping pill, unable to get to sleep until 2am and you started your day. You had things you wanted to get done: wash the bed sheets, clean the bedroom and run the vacuum while doing the typical kitchen and laundry too. First things first, eye drops for Grumpy. Dixi was already taken out since you slept in a bit, Gary can't find his phone so you call it on yours, nope not in the house,,,maybe in the truck. Go smoke? nah just get going on your day. Check emails, check on Darcy. Okay lets go ahead and wash the bed sheets, ask Grumpy if he will help strip the bed. Grumpy is having a bad anxiety day and took a stress pill, send him to do some busy work in the garage. Start laundry, come back up from the basement, Grumpy is getting ready to go to the garage. Fill my water glass, sit down at the computer check FB and EX groups, reply to a few. Grumpy still out in the garage. Dust the bedroom. Go down and move the laundry. Dog wants out..grab a smoke? nah...take dog out, Grumpy is picking up dog poo and getting ready to pull out the push mower to hit that one area he missed a couple days ago..go back in and run the vacuum. Sit down and decide to write to your future non-smoker self-the day after your quit day of Oct 30th (only because you know you probably won't check in with the EX community until you get Grumpy home from the hospital).
Or am I just writing to myself in the future today as a non-smoker? The physical desire is not the problem. Chantix is doing the job it is suppose to. If the feelings continue as is for the next few days I know I will be just cutting the 1mg pills in half and stick to taking 1mg a day and call my doctor and ask for 0.5 mg pills (I hate cutting pills and I do that enough for Grumpy as it is). I have thought about going outside and smoking, but I do it out of habit and I just say no to grabbing a cigarette if I do go out.
Will I be changing my quit date to 10/17/17 when I read this and already have two weeks quit behind me? Talk about a roller coaster of emotions I almost want to cry, dang it I am crying, I guess it maybe is really time to say goodbye to my old bad habit once and for all. I won't say "I am a non smoker" yet, I won't kick myself if I do light one...we will see what happened.
NO matter what, by the time I read this in a couple of weeks I will be an EX smoker.
So how was the 2 1/2 hr drive home? Seriously quit the day before you have to make that drive? ~grin~
**note 10/17/17 to anyone reading this before I get a chance to reply to my non smoking self. I am writing this and truly going through the roller coaster of emotions and I will answer my own questions, thus letting everyone know if today 10/17 is my new quit day