This is a hard entry to write. But, write it I must. You see, I have relapsed.
There is no doubt in my mind that three factors were at work in my failure to maintain the longest quit I have ever had in my 61 years of smoking history:
- I had not fully accepted the fact that I would never be able to smoke again
- When I smoked that one cigarette on Labor Day, I opened the doorway to my smoking again at some point down the road
- I never addressed/worked at underlying issues such as stress and worry and the part they played in my addiction.
I was "white knuckling" my recovery; often hanging on by a thread and willing myself to keep stepping forward. I was not working through my quit in a positive and therapeutic manner.
I am sincerely hoping (and praying) that when I start my new quit on January 6, 2020, that I will closely guard myself to prevent repeating the above mindsets and practice.
P.S. I will be leaving January 4th for an out-of-town second opinion on whether I need a stent in my carotid artery, after all. At this point, I do not know how long until will return home. My phone is not programmed to access my quit-smoking member sites and I won't be able to take my computer with me. So, I will be out of touch until I get back home. But, once I get back here, you can bet the first thing I'll do is to log onto my sites to say hello and send an update.
I'm sending a sincere thanks to all who have been supporting and encouraging me and hope you will be there for me when I'm back.