Rambling Thoughts as I Approach Quit Day

[SoosannahK]

T-minus 3 days and counting. Thursday I will quit. Wednesday night I will destroy any cigarettes remaining so there is no temptation. This will be my umpteenth quit in 25 years. I managed to quit for 6 months one time. I was happy and proud then. I smelled good and I didn't hack up nasty stuff constantly. I made a dreadful mistake and well I turned into a smoker again. 

I have been thinking a lot about quitting again recently since last October actually.  Yesterday, the perfect opportunity presented its self in the form of a quit buddy. I have never had a quit buddy before. My good friend at work found out she was pregnant. I, so far, am the only person she has told. I feel very honored to be that first person. She is also my work "smoke buddy". Our friendship came about because of smoking. I didn't even like her when she came to work for us. And that is all my fault because I didn't make the effort to get to know her. She is a lovely, kind and caring person and has a heart bigger than anyone I have ever known. She asked me one evening to go smoke with her. I didn't even know she smoked. Through those months of smoke breaks with her, I got to know her and now I value our friendship. I look forward to her telling me about her week. We both only work weekends, so we have tons of catching up to do during work. We have decided instead of our smoke breaks we would take walk breaks instead. We work in a small, but busy ER and every so often you have to step off the floor to maintain your sanity. The good thing about walk breaks, you don't even have to go outside in the weather if you don't want to.  So we will go from being "smoke buddies" to "support buddies".

I told my husband last night I was quitting. He laughed, I wanted to punch him in the face. I resisted and told him thanks for the support now go away. He has seen me try to quit time after time, even the 6 month quit. I guess it was just the same old song and dance as before to him. This has strengthened my resolve to quit. I like to prove people wrong. 

I plan cold turkey this time. I have tried every trick in the book before, NRT, Chantix, vaping, candy, suckers....NRT seemed useless to me. The patches made me itch and kept nicotine in my system and I just wanted a cigarette. The gum made me nauseous and burnt my mouth, plus I have braces, gum is a no-no. I just want it out. Chantix made me suicidal. I don't think vaping is honestly any better, and it made me cough horribly.  I already take bupropion for depression but that hasn't helped in the decrease in smoking. Maybe I can convince my mind that it will help. I plan on taking it the same time every day from here on out. I am the worst at taking medicines.  I am reading more this time and being fully prepared. I found this website yesterday and I like what I see. I will post on my blog daily, the good, the bad and the ugly. I am coming up with a "coping plan" to help through the rough spots. 

I have an orthodontist appointment and a doctor's appointment in less than a month. I want to be able to tell them I have quit smoking. It is hard to believe that I have had my braces for almost a year (October) and I swore when I got them I would quit smoking. It's hard to clean around braces already, add the yucky brown stains and that's almost impossible, which is why I now have to go for cleanings every 3 months instead of 6. 

Thursday I will scrub down my home office, clean curtains, windows and the carpet. I only smoke in my home office. I will remove any signs of cigarettes including lighters and my ashtray. I will change up my office, move things around, change up my routine.  I will clean out my car, vacuum up those free-floating ash remains, clean my seats, wash my windows, remove my "butt bottle".  I won't take out my frustrations on my family. It is not their fault I chose such a nasty addicting habit. I will use my journal to channel my negative thoughts and frustrations. If I do lash out, I will ask for forgiveness and patience and for them to call me out on my behavior. My family is not my enemy, cigarettes are. I will stay busy and keep myself occupied. I will concentrate on making it through the day working hour by hour, minute by minute. I will not look off into the future (too much). I will concentrate on the here and now and live in that moment. I will keep busy. 

Of course, I have milestones that I have mentally listed out: the first day, the first 3 days, the first week, second week, first month, etc., but I know it is that first day I have to get through right now. 

And finally for the last rambling thought, money. I roughly spend $204 per month on cigarettes. I buy them by the carton for $50.16. Yes I know the exact cost. Over the course of a year, I spend roughly $3000. That is the cost of a weekly carton then padding it with the extra packs that are bought if my carton runs out early. You know, those "stressful" weeks. We need a new heat pump. Our AC gave out about 3 weeks ago. I refuse to finance a heat pump when at our savings rate per week, we can pay for one outright in the early Spring before it gets hot again. We have an alternate heat source to get us through the winter.  So I sweat it out for about 4 hours a day in the afternoon when it gets nice and toasty. Our attic fan comes on at night when the temperature cools. That helps a lot in keeping things cool the majority of the day. Maybe the sweating will help release some nicotine. We could buy some window units and if it was the beginning of Summer I absolutely would, but I would rather put that money toward the savings and tough it out seeing as how it will be Autumn soon and cooler temps will be on the way. Yay for Autumn!!  I grew up without AC so this is like a blast from my past. As someone who loves saving money, and will skimp just to put back a few dollars, it absolutely abhors me as to how much money I spend to slowly kill myself. I have big plans for this money, namely the new heat pump, some backpacking and camping equipment and of course, savings.

I will come back here as many times as I need to, reread this post over, peruse the postings looking for help and support. I want and need this to be my quit. I don't enjoy smoking anymore, it is just a habit and an addiction now. No pleasure in it at all. It causes me more troubles than pleasures. Is it going to be hard? Absolutely, the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Will it be worth it? As long as I don't end up divorced or estranged from my son, definitely. Just kidding, it will absolutely be worth it. 

If you stuck with me through this ramble, thanks for reading. I look forward to meeting other members and offering support as well as receiving support. 

S......