Feel in a hole

Blog Post created by Snoofy83 on Feb 1, 2021

So in November I had a big fight with my husband and then went out and got a pack of cigarettes and chain smoked 6. We signed up for marriage counseling (which is going really well by the way) and I shoved them in a drawer and left them there til Christmas. Christmas hits and I of course think it's ok to have one. Then I decided it was ok to have one new years, then for the month of January I had one almost every day, and told myself when the pack was gone that was it. Well the pack has been gone since jan 18th, about 2 weeks, and it kinda sucks. 

I know it's a mental dependence but that doesn't exactly make it better, or maybe it does, this is the first time I've slipped and not fallen whole hog into smoking again, but that makes the nicing me just say "well then you could smoke one a day" which isn't true, I know how quickly that would turn into more, and even if it didn't it would still be a dependence. I have enough trouble with carbs and chocolate, actually I think thats part of what triggered everything in dec, starting a diet because in the last yr I've put on 25 lbs, combo of covid and quitting smoking and dental surgery which left me with food options of mush or mush (mushy food is never healthy food).

So, I've never tried to diet while not smoking and it SUCKS. the hunger is real. I'm on a 2 week plateau, I've lost 6 lbs but haven't  lost anything else in 2 weeks, and it's really frustrating. Also drinking makes for fluffy tummies so I'm generally feeling super deprived. 

So, I colored my hair pink, I bought a bunch of mani pedi stuff to occupy me, and I got gum. I don't want to be a cow but I also don't want to smoke. Since I quit vaping my heart is doing great, I'm getting lots of exercise and camping with the kids, I've never been so active or so heavy, super annoying that those things are going together, but I don't want to smoke, even a little bit or once in a while. I want to look at a pack of cigarettes and go blah, now I go blah and still want one, but I don't want to.

I'm glad it wasn't vaping though, because that is super sneaky and easy to hide, I don't want to do anything easy to hide, and at least I have a rough idea of how much nicotine I was taking in.