I've smoked again. Today. I only bought one black and mild. But I smoked it all in just two sessions already. I felt like I couldn't make it without smoking. No excuses. I have none. I only have not been able to think of anything else. I can't keep on avoiding life. I have to be able to get out of the house alone (I was with my daughter this time). I have to be able to trust myself. My mom said I need to turn on smoking the way they have turned on me. I think she is right. I need and I want to get to a place where I hate smoking and everything about it. But how.?...I loved to smoke and I am very vulnerable right now. My emotions are running high. I have to quit or I die, in just 18 months. Why isn't that enough.?...Addiction. I am a nicotine addict. Weather I want to be or not, I am an addict. I no longer want to be unreal, like I can just leave them alone and every thing is fine. Which most of the time I am okay. Not much goes on in my life. I am almost chaos free, lol. Life happens, always be prepared for the unexpected. I want to start hating every thing about smoking. I really am sorry if that makes me a Hippocratic person. I've gotta do what I've gotta do to save myself from myself. So I choose to stay and I choose to fight for my life. I'm writing this to help myself and others that could possibly be going through similar situations.