Here I am breastfeeding my baby girl who is 8 weeks old. She’s the most adorable little person, dressed in pink, beautiful, happy, healthy, totally reliant on me, and currently on 20 a day!! She has cut down! 9 weeks ago she was on 30 a day.
This is the reality of the matter.
I am consciously feeding her, knowing that I have nicotine along with all sorts of other chemicals in my bloodstream. Knowing that it is most probably being passed through!
I will be honest though in saying that up until now it has been unconsciously. It’s amazing what you can block out when you do not wish to face up to it.
When smoking your brain picks out information it wants to listen to and discards the rest.
When pregnant I looked up smoking: effects on baby. I then scrolled through comments to only read about people who smoked like chimneys and had healthy babys. The people who had problems didn’t register with the brain, they went unseen, unheard, my brain didn’t want to hear it and so it didn’t!
I reasoned that thousands of people smoked whilst pregnant 30 years ago, my mom smoked and I was ok etc etc etc. I ignored the facts that thousands of kids died because of smoking mothers 30 years ago. My mom smoked and I was premature, so were all my brothers and sisters etc etc etc.
The brain is a powerful tool but when hooked up with nicotine it’s like a dysfunctional teenager, ignoring good advice to go on a rampage of self destruction. Believing it knows best and being positively stubborn about it.
My dysfunctional teenager needs to learn that nicotine is not it’s friend. It’s an enemy. It’s poisoning me and my little one and the long term effects to us as individuals are as yet unknown.
I am facing up to the reality of the matter. I do not wish to give up breastfeeding but at the same time I wouldn’t mix a dose of cyanide in with a bottle of SMA, I wouldn’t spark up a fag and blow it all over her and I wouldn’t put a nicotine patch on her leg so she is getting a steady constant supply. However this is effectively what i am doing. I’m a nicotine addict and through my own selfish and thoughtless behaviour there is a good chance my beautiful little bundle of joy is too!
So today we are both giving up the fags. My brain will no doubt tell me I don’t need to and it will all be ok if I carry on smoking. However, now I have my head out of the sand I can see, very clearly that it’s been lying to me and I have failed as a mother to protect my offspring from myself!!
So here goes. It will be a battle of the wills but a battle I will win.
