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Share your quitting journey

I have to start over :(

SaraPeach
Member
3 28 239

I hate to be one of "those people" who seems to keep relapsing. During my quit 9 years ago, I will admit "those people" annoyed me. I guess now I am one of them. I was on day 13 or 14 and I was talking to my abusive ex again and my plans for my big vacation fell through with my friends and he offered to go with me. Well, the day before we were to leave, he became really evil again and I was so upset I felt suicidal and I bought cigarettes. I smoked for 1.5 days and then quit for 6 days while on vacation. Had no cravings. He made the vacation incredibly stressful and I won't get into details online, but when we got back home things escalated and were really, really bad and I again bought cigarettes. I can't even remember if I bought them yesterday or Friday. I think it was Friday. They did not even make me feel better at all this time. I've actually felt nauseous and yesterday felt extremely sick in the afternoon and then slept for 12 hours, which I never do. So, I have to start over. I don't want pity or sympathy, but felt like i should post in case anyone was wondering what the heck happened to me. I feel like an idiot. And I am scared my ulcerative colitis is going to flare up again or perhaps already is now (the nausea and I have had a few other potentially related symptoms). I really have to stop talking to this ex altogether because he is the one who stressed me out so bad in the first place that I threw away my 9-year quit.

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About the Author
I quit 9 years ago, on May 23, 2009, and recently started smoking again in April of 2018 due to being in a really bad spot mentally from an abusive relationship. I never in a million years thought I would ever smoke again. I never craved cigarettes anymore. I had taken up running, ran marathons and ultramarathons, and overall, enjoyed leading a healthy lifestyle. But I was in such a bad spot, that I decided to take the risk of smoking because I was desperate and thought maybe it would help change my brain chemistry somehow. I thought I could just smoke one or a few day but within just a few days, that quickly turned into a pack most days (more than I ever used to smoke before I quit in 2009!). When I was not smoking, I enjoyed hiking, running, playing with my cat, cooking, baking, and reading. I just got into backpacking last summer and want to do longer trips. It's hard to be very active or take overnight trips with non-smokers while being a smoker! I want to have better lung capacity and endurance again.