So I posted a week ago, my BPD daughter told me she hoped I died, so I emailed her and I told her that I hope she did not have to bear the pain of someone telling her I am dead, and have to live with that. I told her I hope that she never has a child and one day has to hear those words from their mouth, and that I hope she finds a way to learn not to snap when she doesn't like something she hears, and I hope she knows that she is not the only person in the world who has feelings that can be hurt by these words.
Ya, that was a big mistake. I got a whole 8" x 11" page emailed to me, and in the middle of it she speaks,
"No mom. I really hope you die." She said many many hurtful things, and I am feeling so low that I almost wished I would just disappear.
I went home from work, and vanished to my spare room, and I shed a lot of tears, and I drank a few glasses of wine, and at one point I said to myself, I might as well just blow this quit, as I cried and cried and cried. But then, I immediately started talking to myself out loud, asking myself what that would really do, besides, make me have to start this journey all over again, how many people I would disappoint who have been my support, and tell myself that the problem would still be there after I blew it.......
Needless to say, "I am still free, and I will always remain free" But let this be a lesson to show you how fast you can blow your quit, on something that isn't even going to go away once you do.
Ask yourself.......Is it worth it? For me, it is not, and I am so glad I am where I am at in my journey, and can knock that thought down no matter what is going on in my life. It is my mindset to continue on my journey of freedom from this addiction!
As far as how this is going to play out with my daughter? That remains to be seen. She said so many hurtful things that I honestly do not even want to see her for a while. I am truly not the monster her email made me out to be!
So continue on your path in your own personal journey and remember that not one instance of stress is worth starting over. And giving up on your quit, will not help you through the stress.
