It's a good day today! I sat in my room getting ready for work this morning, and the tears were beginning to flow again! Did I think about smoking over all of the mess that happened with my daughter? Yes I did! Every single time I started crying! Even this morning! Would it have helped? NOPE
Back in April, I had a pretty big falling out with my oldest daughter! It was during our trip to PA with my grand daughter Anna and her friend. We were celebrating Anna's 10th birthday by bringing her out to the state where she was conceived and born! It was going to be such a great time a great trip! However it was ruined to what I thought, right up to this point in time today, beyond repair. I thought she was going to write me off after a few emails back and forth.
We are two stubborn people, she and I, but I love her with my whole heart and soul. She has given me two of the most beautiful grand daughters who are 8 years apart! I thought I would only have the one from her, but she decided they would try again and succeeded, now there is Annabelle and Brynn! I am blessed.
So the trip spiraled out of control beyond my own belief! And because I would not apologize in the way that she wanted me to, making everything that happened my fault, I have not been able to see any of them from April 10th right up to this point! I have been a mess over this many times, I have even drank myself to the point of laying down and going to sleep while crying the whole time. Not to the point of passing out, just enough to go to sleep so that I can shut the thinking off. I am not a huge drinker, but like my occasional glasses of wine. Wine makes me sleepy.
So my last email to her was a week ago, and during midweek, I texted my grand daughters phone, and I apologized to her for the way her birthday trip ended because sometimes adults can act like children too!
No word from her.................nothing............UNTIL THIS MORNING!
I sit here at my desk every morning checking both work and personal email and this morning, finally, there was one from my daughter! She has finally agreed to disagree, (this was my idea) and wants to continue a relationship with me, but in turn says she will be very cautious.....as will I!
Her anger scares me, as that is who I use to be.....and since anger management, I am no longer that person.
I learned how to handle my anger, and seeing her behave the way she did in that hotel room, punching doors, throwing things, kicking furniture, in front of those two little girls, angered me! But I remained calm! Because... just like smoking a cigarette would not make the stress go away, becoming angry in the way that she did, would not make the situation any better, but only worse! You see I have not seen my two grand daughters for 2 and 1/2 months now, and it has been killing me and their papa!
Have I thought about smoking since all of this went down? The answer is yes, yes, and yes! But the outcome would not change by smoking, and I would become that person I never want to be ever again!
I am Sandy-9-17-17 I smoked for 43 years, and I have been free of nicotine now for 278 Days!
I can tell you that I thought I enjoyed smoking, and that I could never see myself quitting! But I DID IT! And you can too! Here's hoping I can see those girls soon! Then my tears will be tears of joy!