2 Days to Quit Day - Me and My Addict and Harm Reduction

[Rosie1917]

   I've been smoking for 17 years, a pack and a half a day (when I was younger and waited tables it was 2 a day, but I have long since cut back). I've tried quitting before using every possible method. But I don't stop trying. I've lost faith in myself, I've gained it back, beat myself up, picked myself back up and dusted me off and tried again.

   My last quit attempt was planned for January 31st 2020. Since I had never made a NY resolution before I figured this time may help. It went well. I talked to my doctor, she referred me to the NYQuits program. I spoke with a quit coach every week for a month leading up to my quit date. I started using the patch and gum combo. I quit a couple of days earlier than my set date. And I was cool with that.

   8 days later, I ended up in the ER for chest pains and some other strange symptoms that I have never experienced before, and removed the patch. I'm fine, it was probably related to my body healing from smoking for so many years and so much. Removing the patch was not a happy moment, I'll say that much. That the doctors said there was nothing wrong with me and it was probably from quitting broke my resolve (and it broke my heart). As I left the ER in tears, I had "one drag" and then a whole smoke (wrested from my husband - he didn't give in easily), and then I went and bought a pack the next night. I smoked for about three days before talking to my doctor again.

   The doc prescribed Chantix. She said to take it for a week before my quit date. So, I made a new date (set for January 23rd, almost a month after I had already quit). My husband is supportive of my quit attempt, but smokes in the house (forget about asking him to go outside...We have talked that one to death - ain't gonna happen, but he will happily smoke in the kitchen with a fan on and the window wide open). The Chantix does help me not feel tempted by the smell. Despite being supportive in many ways (he's like my cheerleader and lifts me up when I'm having trouble standing on my own), the hubby is a little worried though that I might overdo it again. He may have a point.

   In my many many many many (I try to quit at LEAST twice a year since I started) prior attempts, I have gone ALL out. Quitting is the only thing I can focus on. It is all consuming. I wash my walls, change my entire routine, read everything I can, talk about it constantly, listen to podcasts, read books. It's almost as if I have a check list that if done out of order or not completed I will fail and the world will end. He thinks I might be setting myself up for failure by forcing perfection and by stressing. A LOT.

   This level of stress and pressure has a negative effect on my addict AND me, and if we are REALLY being honest here it effects my husband as well...when I re-arrange our entire house to change up patterns and associations it does effect him negatively, thus harming my own domestic support. I have tried to beat my addict brain into submission, like throwing punches (out of love) to a heroin addict to make them stop shooting up - it doesn't work, obviously.

   So...this time...as much as I want to just stop NOW, knowing I need these next two days to keep preparing, and let the process consume me all at once like a brick wall I've held tight to my quit day. I'm allowing myself to practice HARM REDUCTION in the lead up to Saturday morning when I wake up a non-smoker. Getting really familiar with STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUES and putting into practice small changes to routines that are triggers. Mornings, for example, instead of going straight to the living room for coffee, I have a glass of water and then brush my teeth. And THEN have my coffee. It's a small thing, but it certainly does help. 

   Another difference this time is how I have that CONVERSATION IN MY HEAD. In prior attempts I have literally abused myself (internally, not physically). I've called myself names, belittled, and yelled at the addict brain. This time, I'm taking a different approach. Me and my addict brain have been going through what worked in the past, what didn't work, analyzing the thought patterns that led to lapses (and, naturally, the relapse that follows shortly thereafter). I have been friendly to my addict, not demanding or hateful. Hell, this morning I even asked herself if we could just hold off for now and wait to smoke until after we brushed out teeth. It was nice and I didn't have any of the anxiety or obsessive thoughts that normally come with delaying. I made the coffee, brushed my teeth, had a cup, finished it and THEN had a smoke and it was ok (it tasted terrible, like wet sour soggy cardboard because that's what Chantix does...I love it, my little addict will need to adjust to it as she heals). 

   Will post up more tonight. My little addict and I need to get ready for work.

Cheers!

-Rosie