Starting over

Blog Post created by Rollingon on Jun 25, 2018

Well, I pride myself on honesty and as hard sometimes as it is to be honest, it still has to be done.

I had a smoke. I told myself that that as long as know one knew or saw it I could keep going on and it would be ok. The fact is I only did it to myself. Here it is I need not only to teach myself how not to smoke but control my how I feel. As some of you know I have a child with Autism. You may or may not understand what that is or looks like, but with him he feeds off my attitudes. So when I am stressed so is he to a heighted level. My emotions control his and so on. I did tell my Daughter I was going to try to quit so she could help keep him busy when my nerves came unraveled. She has been doing an amazing job at that. But n my cleaning to keep busy I also moved things around and he was getting upset. He could not tell me what he wanted or looking for and I know this but, kept trying to find ways to figure it out. We tried to pointing game and other tools to try to figure it out and when that did not work here comes the melt down. I felt like the worst mother in the world and hate that I made him suffer as a result of my actions. I know it is not  me. So I had to get something form the store for dinner and there they were. I convicted myself that If they did not see it would be ok. It is not I can not hide from myself, and I let the addiction take over and win this fight. I felt ten times worse. I hate that I failed myself, I hate that I have to come here and tell you all, I hate this dam addiction. Hell he was able to do it without smoking, all children can but, I can not. That to made me feel like crap. Now I have to start over. I am sorry to all of you that took the time to get me through as well. I owed it to you all to be honest and hope that you all can forgive me as I will have to start again.