I didn't update how I got through the remainder of Day 3 nor did I update Day 4, because I didn't get through them. By the end day three, I was miserable, my husband was miserable, depressed, and we just felt all around terrible. The guilt of wanting a smoke became so overwhelming, that I truly had to ask myself "is this the right way for you" and at the time I determined, that maybe it wasn't. Literally beating myself up mentally for wanting a cigarette felt worse than the cravings. Asking myself, "why can't I do this?", "why am I so stupid that I got myself in this mess 20+ years ago", "what is wrong with me?" were the only thoughts going through my head. Pretending I was doing okay when inside I wasn't, I was trying to mask everything. Putting on a "Positive Polly" attitude was all a farce.
So I smoked, in fact, I smoked 5 cigarettes by the night's end. The thing is, it didn't quite taste or feel the same. I can almost say it wasn't quite as enjoyable as I can remember it was a week ago and has been for the past 20 years. Then Day 4 came around (yesterday) I got up exercised, and actually felt okay and decided I would start all over again. I did, I had a good day. Kept my cravings at bay with healthy snacks. Once again gave in by night's end. The difference, I only had 4 throughout the night, and by the last one, as I sat there smoking it, I said, this doesn't even taste or feel right, I am going to take a hot bath and go to bed. And I did.
While I sat in the tub with a million shameful thoughts going through my head, I came up with one that in all reality is a truthful one. Why wasn't I giving myself credit for how far I have come in just 5 days, yes I relapsed, but, Yes, I went almost a full three days without one smoke. Now in two days, I have had a total of 9. Two weeks a week ago before we started limiting ourselves to prepare for "quit day", I was having 12-20 a DAY. (The day before quit day, we smoked like a train because it was "going to be the last time") so why was I not seeing the good things about myself or my husband?
All in all. I know this isn't what anyone on here wants to hear, I know it isn't necessarily right or healthy. But I also know, beating myself up isn't healthy either and I need to applaud myself for the baby steps and recognize that it is harder than I thought. But I believe now if I can stop both wine and cigarettes for almost a full 3 days, I am pretty confident, I can stop for 4 days and who knows maybe it will be 5. So here I go again, one day at a time, I feel I have some self-confidence back just by believing in myself and being proud of myself.
