As I sit here and write this blog I am thinking about all of the past blogs and conversations that I have been reading for the past hour. I disappeared without a word and I am so sorry for that. This community gave me patience, time, and support. I feel badly that I repaid that with abandoning the people I have come to call my friends. Friends don't do that. Since March 18th until this weekend I have had much time to become sick to my stomach smoking. It has been unenjoyable and nasty. Why did I do it? Why did I continue to do it until the evening on March 25th? Because one is too many and thousands are never enough. The addictive brain in full motion. But this relapse has come with greater insight and truth.
Thinking back on what would have been my 73rd day I woke up feeling a bit angry. Nobody did anything and there was nothing particularly difficult going on. As many people have called it "the nicodemon was having a temper tantrum because it was being denied what it wanted". I picked up my phone and texted my neighbor who I have bummed cigarettes off of in the past. He didn't answer my text. You would think at that point I would have said "Well maybe that's for the best", but I didn't. My "stinkin thinkin" said, "I don't need to ask anyone for a cigarette. I can go to the store and get them my own." Well, one positive trait I have is a stick to itness. I have a lot of determination. However, in this case it was misused. I know that now. As a matter of fact I knew it after I bought the pack and still continued to light up.
Afterwards I came here. My happy place. My place. I gave people my word. People gave me their time and support and truth. After I couldn't even make it to day 2 I was even more ashamed of myself and fell off this site. Not totally as I have been reading since. But, I feel that I have taken from everyone who was putting in more work than I was in getting back on track and for that I do apologize.
Now it is 9:00pm on March 25th, but you will all be reading this in the morning. By that time I will have pledged not to smoke. Right now at 9:00pm I am going to close the computer for the night. Take my fresh, clean non-smoke smelling pajamas out of the dryer and take a cleansing hot shower. I will then brush my teeth and say my prayers. It will be nice to be back. I've missed my special place and it seems like forever.