I finally have a minute to sit and recover from this morning. I don't know what it is, but these ups and downs are incredibly challenging. It took every fiber in my being to stay true to my quit this morning. I had an uneasy feeling last night before I went to bed. It intruded into my sleep and I know I had dreams about smoking. I can't really recall the dream, but I know it was a smoking dream. I woke up this morning feeling awful. Try as I might I could not get out of the funk. I was so nervous that I was going to purchase a pack of cigarettes at some point this morning and it was only by the grace of G-d that I didn't. Along with not feeling great, my son decided to dump his life challenges in my lap. I tried to calmly tell him that I was having a hard time today and he needed to work through his issues or speak with a friend. This escalated into an argument that I didn't want to be in. I finally told him that I needed to get ready for work and I went upstairs. For the first time during this quit I went into my bathroom and started crying. I wound up down on my knees asking G-d to help me. I have had days when I thought I would jump out of my skin, but this was different. I felt so defeated even though I did not smoke. I am finding it hard to put my feelings into words, but it was a strong and uncomfortable wave of fear, anxiety, and anger. I remember as a child I would be able to ride waves. I enjoyed the challenge. Now I don't do it because I am afraid of the challenge. Physically I could still do it, but mentally fear has crept into me over the years. My emotional waves are causing a lot of fear. I'm hanging tight, but am still unsettled today. I am doing everything I can and will continue to pray as that was the only thing (I think) that helped me. Sorry for the depressive blog.
Please believe me when I say that it does get better. You are at the point where you will start having more good days than bad. And before long your bad days (due to quitting) will be very few and far between. Sorry but bad days as a parent will still exist - lol I will say a little prayer for you today - for strength to make it through. For me, every time that I made it through a horrible day, my quit just became that much stronger. Best wishes!