I finally have a minute to sit and recover from this morning. I don't know what it is, but these ups and downs are incredibly challenging. It took every fiber in my being to stay true to my quit this morning. I had an uneasy feeling last night before I went to bed. It intruded into my sleep and I know I had dreams about smoking. I can't really recall the dream, but I know it was a smoking dream. I woke up this morning feeling awful. Try as I might I could not get out of the funk. I was so nervous that I was going to purchase a pack of cigarettes at some point this morning and it was only by the grace of G-d that I didn't. Along with not feeling great, my son decided to dump his life challenges in my lap. I tried to calmly tell him that I was having a hard time today and he needed to work through his issues or speak with a friend. This escalated into an argument that I didn't want to be in. I finally told him that I needed to get ready for work and I went upstairs. For the first time during this quit I went into my bathroom and started crying. I wound up down on my knees asking G-d to help me. I have had days when I thought I would jump out of my skin, but this was different. I felt so defeated even though I did not smoke. I am finding it hard to put my feelings into words, but it was a strong and uncomfortable wave of fear, anxiety, and anger. I remember as a child I would be able to ride waves. I enjoyed the challenge. Now I don't do it because I am afraid of the challenge. Physically I could still do it, but mentally fear has crept into me over the years. My emotional waves are causing a lot of fear. I'm hanging tight, but am still unsettled today. I am doing everything I can and will continue to pray as that was the only thing (I think) that helped me. Sorry for the depressive blog.