Wave

I finally have a minute to sit and recover from this morning.  I don't know what it is, but these ups and downs are incredibly challenging.  It took every fiber in my being to stay true to my quit this morning.  I had an uneasy feeling last night before I went to bed.  It intruded into my sleep and I know I had dreams about smoking.  I can't really recall the dream, but I know it was a smoking dream.  I woke up this morning feeling awful.  Try as I might I could not get out of the funk.  I was so nervous that I was going to purchase a pack of cigarettes at some point this morning and it was only by the grace of G-d that I didn't.  Along with not feeling great, my son decided to dump his life challenges in my lap.  I tried to calmly tell him that I was having a hard time today and he needed to work through his issues or speak with a friend.  This escalated into an argument that I didn't want to be in.  I finally told him that I needed to get ready for work and I went upstairs.  For the first time during this quit I went into my bathroom and started crying.  I wound up down on my knees asking G-d to help me.  I have had days when I thought I would jump out of my skin, but this was different.  I felt so defeated even though I did not smoke.  I am finding it hard to put my feelings into words, but it was a strong and uncomfortable wave of fear, anxiety, and anger.  I remember as a child I would be able to ride waves.  I enjoyed the challenge.  Now I don't do it because I am afraid of the challenge.  Physically I could still do it, but mentally fear has crept into me over the years.  My emotional waves are causing a lot of fear.  I'm hanging tight, but am still unsettled today.  I am doing everything I can and will continue to pray as that was the only thing (I think) that helped me.  Sorry for the depressive blog.