I guess by now most people know I have two daughters (and a son) that I do a lot of things with. All three of my children are blessings. I had a heart to heart with my youngest who will be graduating from college in May. She's had a hard time, but she is going to make it. (I know I will too, but boy was this a challenge). Depression and anxiety run in my family and sadly my youngest inherited both. She is in therapy and has been for a while and we are close, so she talks to me about everything (sometimes too much information (TMI), but I am glad she feels comfortable coming to me). During our recent conversation the topic took a turn and smoking came up. She was saying that she thought she was a burden because she called me all of the time complaining. "Why would you say that? You are not a burden.", I said to her while I was starting to cry. How could she think she was a burden? When I see her my face lights up and I am so excited to do things with her. But, that is how she sees herself. She brought up things from her childhood and told me about things her uncle said to her over the past couple of years. (He lives in Connecticut where she goes to school so he goes to visit her occasionally). When I found out what he told her I almost flipped my gasket. He said that she was depressed and anxious because when she was growing up I had to spend too much time taking care of her brother who is diagnosed with ADHD and her older sister who is diagnosed with Autism. He wasn't even there!
Well, that was all I could take not to scream. But, I had to hold it together because she is sensitive and if I raised my voice that wouldn't help the matter. At this point I am going to tie this in with the smoking theme. My daughter has not failed to tell me how proud she is of me. It touches my heart. She is convinced that if she could go back to her childhood she would have done things differently. I couldn't bare hearing her say that she feels she did something wrong. I spoke to her about how happy she was as a child and that she and I spent a lot of time together doing things because her brother and sister were in school. She asked me what we did. Then she said would you change anything in your life. (I was thinking that was a trick question). I said yes of course. "I never would have picked up that first cigarette", I told her. She was worried that she would cause me to smoke again because she was "needy". After that I tried to help her understand that going back is not an option for any of us and I assured her that no one could make me do something that I didn't want to do. I added that if I were to start smoking again it would be because of my poor choice and has nothing to do with her. We can't turn the clock back, but we can certainly move forward and put things in our lives that fill us with joy and happiness. My daughter's middle name is Faith and that is what I told her to have, as I said I loved her and wished her a good night.
I have faith that she will be okay and continue to thrive and grow. I have faith that as I end today with 60 days WON there will be joy and happiness in my life in days, weeks, months, and years to come.
Good night all.