I cannot understand my 50th day smoke free. This morning I woke up angry and tired (both are not good things to be when you are on your journey). I didn't really know why, but the nicodemon was strong an unrelenting. At any point I thought I was going to lose it, but I came to this site and decided to read. I came across a blog written by Sandi4 on her 50 days. It gave me much food for thought, but still I could not shake what I was going through. Nothing was working. All of my tools were failing me and I couldn't understand why. I drank water, I meditated, I prayed, I went on this site, I sat down with my dog (I call her my healing dog), and everything else. Still no relief. I decided to get dressed and get out the door. I didn't even make my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I knew something was amiss. I passed many stores that I could have gone into, but I just couldn't do it. I called my husband from the road (handsfree) and told him about my frustration and fear. "How could I even want to smoke?" "How was I going to get through this?" "Why is this happening right now?" Not one answer. He told me everything would be okay. I didn't believe it. Then it melted away. I don't know how, but the anger left me. The voice in my head died down. I am at work right now ready to engage in my day. I am grateful beyond measure. I didn't smoke.