Now that my thoughts are more clear I am able to really appreciate what I have done. I have given myself permission to live. When I smoked I didn't even know why I was smoking. I would tell myself that I would finish what I was doing and then go smoke. As if what I was doing was going to answer me back and say yes or no. I would give myself permission to do something I knew was not good for me. Interesting about smoking outdoors is that the air which is good to breathe (I don't really think we breathe anything else to survive) becomes not good and takes away the pleasure of breathing in fresh air. Now that the smoke has cleared I take a breath and enjoy it. I can inhale and not choke. I can breathe while looking at the trees and actually see them without clouds of smoke in front of them. I gave myself permission to smoke, but now I am giving myself the freedom by not smoking. What a breath of fresh air.