An absolute wreck

Blog Post created by MelodyEve on Aug 19, 2018

I was trying to figure out where the "perfection" in this process of not smoking is suppose to be. The only perfection I've found is that "I keep coming back". Reading everything I can read and sometimes reading it 3 and 4 times till my eyes water and get so blurry I can't see. Everything that I have read, from all the links, along with testimonies and others stories, have totally disrupted my comfort in smoking. I go to sleep thinking about smoking and not smoking, only to sleep an hour or so and wake up to grabbing a smoke and going outside to smoke. All the time with the thoughts of this website on my mind, reprimanding myself for even lighting up, to just torturing myself mentally the whole time. Even the process of smoking was interrupted with thoughts of my readings here. Can't even smoke in comfort. Go back to bed just for it to take place all over again a couple hours later. What a vicious cycle. My brain is constantly filled with smoking and not smoking. I can't focus on anything else anymore. Its driving me crazy. I know there's a reason why I keep coming back and why I keep reading as if a hunger needs to be fed. I know this is where I'm suppose to be as much as possible. I know there's a reason why I can no longer smoke in comfort. I will continue to be here no matter what and continue to be involved, because I know at some point this wreckage will start to become clear so that I can start cleaning it up.