Same thing

Blog Post created by MePlus3 on Apr 1, 2017

At this point I see the wolf cry and I wouldn't blame the tough love. When I first joined ex, it was rocky but not nearly as hard as it has become for me now. Back then I would have "just one" and suffer my consequences of another day 1 those didn't feel good so I knew something had to change. I got to 170 days and BOOM I have never been a pack a day smoker now I am! That's a big problem! I can't afford to do that on a fixed income! Where is my commitment the pride I had at each milestone and the glow in my heart I received my first time making the freedom train! I NEED that back I WANT that back! I can't -scratch that- I WON'T keep going like this! I really need help! I get mad everytime I do it because its not making me feel any different exactly what am I looking for out of doing this? Whatever it is it's not found in sickerettes! I disappoint my kids every time I do it and I call it selfish and beat myself up how can I keep doing this to them? Tomorrow this is coming to a end! I'm not buying anymore I got my kids this weekend they need attention and they are going to keep mommy busy through the thoughts of going to the store. Point blank period. If I wake up before them, I'm going to pray and read psalms. Reading Ellen's blog about dying have me thinking I have no plans for burial I'm all my kids have left I worry about that alot my mom's getting old she get them most weekends but I'm sure she can't handle such young kids full time if something was to happen to me. They'll have nowhere else to go. I pray that God keep me here with them daily yet I'm killing myself!! I know we all have to go one day but we have a choice not kill ourselves! I know too much to be so stuck!  My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit why and how can I selfishly insist on corrupting it destroying it! I thank each of you for being here for me. I'm over my breakup at this point I've allowed my addiction to take over this has nothing to do with what's going on in my life anymore and I'm sick of it literally. When I smoke I hardly eat and that lead to a massive headache by the end of the day what did I accomplish from that? Nothing good! 

Newbies: hear my rant! See my misery! Do not DO NOT go back no matter what! I plead you don't be like me! This is no fun and freedom is better no matter how hard it may seem it does get better, easier, and you will be happy if you just keep pushing forward to freedom!