What is wrong with me

Blog Post created by Mckenna on Aug 11, 2017

We cannot express how much I hate cigarettes. I fell off the wagon after a month. After an entire month. I'm doing great on my vegan diet there's no meat whatsoever in my meals taking time to lose weight because my metabolism is at a dead stop pushing 60. Plus whatever health problems I have going on that they still haven't found an answer to that may or may not be related to smoking my next appointment is August 17th at the VA in Long Beach California with Cardiology. Weather related to smoking or not I'm angry at myself for falling off the wagon. Nobody in my household smokes none of my friends smoke and if they did they stopped years ago. I don't hang out with anybody who smokes my neighbors don't smoke but now I'm seeing the ugly side the raising of the ugly head of addiction itself. I feel like an ass going outside to have a cigarette. I don't go to bars I don't hang out in a circle we all sit around and have a cigarette maybe it would be easier if I had friends that quit and we're close by but that's not the case. Triggers? I can't say the Reven triggers just straight addiction I bought a pack that have been sitting in the garage for at least 3 weeks out of that month that I quit stumbled across them and that was it. I'm not smoking like I do before that POC lasted over a week and a half but none the less I still did it and smoked it at first not inhaling at all but just having the hand to mouth motion and mainly the cigarette in my hand and I said that was okay because I didn't inhale. But then I did and I hated it and it tasted terrible and the next day I had another one. God I hate cigarettes. I'm angry at myself now and hate myself for falling off the wagon because I'm a lot stronger than this I've been through a lot and I've overcome a lot and I allow myself to be human. But in that e-cigarettes have to be out of my life 100% because they are killing me the killing you that killing us. I'm retired so I have a lot of time on my hands. My wife works full-time during the day so it's just me here and that can be difficult and you would think with the problems I'm facing right now with my health would be even easier God what is wrong with me. What is wrong with me