I don't know why I am feeling like coming forward at this time, but my guess is that the accumulated shame and or sorrow for lost years is wearing on me. I'm not trying to collect sympathy here, or at any time for that matter. I have been encouraged by many on this site (family) to be honest at all times, hence my following thoughts.
I have been kind of quiet lately because I feel like I have lost all credibility here. I've been back so many times, beginning in 2011. I no longer place any credibility in myself, as far as being a non-smoker goes.
I've gone back and read a lot of the old thoughts and everything runs together. Same promises, commitments, spiritual rhetoric, insights that sounded good at the time. My conclusion right now is that smoking fills one with so much B.S. that it becomes harder to decipher the truth from fiction or illusions the longer one keeps smoking, or vaping, or patching, or chewing gum, or whatever.
After going 36 days, "slippin" again, now with 19 days smoke free. The slip only slapped me harder than ever before. One day. Next day I got up on the horse again, now continuing in some kind of trance, filled with frustration, fear, you know, all the things none of us want. I usually don't swear, but anger comes out frequently. Some days are smoother than others, and I have not smoked a cigarette in 19 days now.
It seems like finalizing to an end the smoking habit is trowing all sorts of character defects up in my face. Mainly weakness. As I write this note I am getting more and more angry at our country for letting the tobacco companies continue to kill us. It's not all our fault, you know.
Even after reading over these thoughts and ramblings, I wonder what good it could possibly do to share things like this. The only thing that has gotten me through these immediate past 19 days is a hint from Dale.....
When any kind of smoking thought comes into my head, I just say as many times as I need to,"I don't do that anymore." It has worked for today, and that is the only block of time I can manage.
DOF 19 (smokefree)