MaryRobin

Days Gone By

Blog Post created by MaryRobin on Sep 28, 2019

The first few days of my quit have tested me. Day 1 I made a holiday; I took a personal day from work and stayed very active to help distract my thoughts. I woke up early, went for a surf, came home and showered, got the kids to the bus stop on time, and then went paddle boarding with a friend. Then a 1.5 hour long dog walk with my wonderful four-legged friend and hubby. Lunch out at a new restaurant (vegan- my favorite, clean choice of eatery), and then family time once they got home. The eve was hard, as it was our regular routine....I wanted to vape, but just...didn’t. Everytime I thought of it, I did jumping jacks or stepped outside for a breath of air....I went to bed early (which caused a little stress because my family was not used to that) but I really was tired from all the activity.

Day 2 was back back to work, and I think I had a toothpick in my mouth almost the whole day. So much so that the hot and spicy cinnamon flavoring on the toothpicks numbed my lips- but so what?? I just made it. The eve was again hard, but I downloaded an app called “Workout NOW”, which offers 3,5,7 minute workouts that require no equipment. Every time I wanted to vape, I used it.
Went to bed as early as I could without causing stress to my family....It was HES to sleep, but I made it, despite really wanting what I couldn’t have. (Literally: Having cleaned my house and gotten rid of all things Juul is all that saved me, but that was enough! I had no choice, so I made it through.)

Day 3: Yesterday was really hard: ridiculous traffic on my commute (what usually takes 30-40 minutes took 2 HOURS because they closed a section of the freeway)..... I almost lost it. I could feel my body shaking and my mind begging me to find a way to vape again.... Later in the day, I went to a bodega (where they sell juul) to buy a snack to get through the day, and I just stared at all the products, wishing they were safe- wishing I could do it again....I turned around and left without buying a thing. A protest to a store still selling vape products, that is what I told myself. But truth be told, my body was shaking simply because I wanted it so much. 
Last night I had a big event that I had been planning for months for work. I am an arts producer/director, and it can be stressful on event nights. All week, I was preparing myself to get through the stress of it all without vaping. I felt like yesterday was a big test: Day 3, and a stressful one? AND the crazy traffic that was unforeseen almost broke me....but I made it by sheer willpower. I can’t say I liked it- it was awful, actually- but today I feel great knowing I made it through. If I can do that, I can do this. Empowering.....On to Day 4. 

During a craving on Day 2, I looked online for a nicotine replacement that I could handle....I hate the gum/patch- they scare me because they are so medical and the taste of the gum is not pleasurable to me....(I have tried them in the past- not on this quit.) I found a new flashy company called “Lucy” that sells lozenges and gum that are supposed to taste better....I bought some online, and they arrived last night, but I haven’t used them yet. It’s weird but I am AFRAID to! Not sure why- I have been putting way more harmful things into my body for years (thank you, cigarettes and juul), but I have them...I am going to make it through this weekend without them (I have loaded my schedule to the brim with activities to keep me busy and exhaust me), but if I get stuck in that horrible traffic again, I will maybe try them? Not sure yet. By Monday, it will be Day 6, and I am hoping I am not as desperate.... But I am committed to NEVER buying cigarettes or another juul again. 

Today also begins my third week without coffee or alcohol. I think I am done with coffee forever. I am over it. Still getting caffeine from a cup of tea in the a.m. and one mid-day. I like the flavor and comfort it gives me, and it is a treat I can look forward to. I wasn’t a huge drinker, but it eases my mind about possible weight gain that I have quit this, too. I had read that you can lose about 10 pounds from quitting drinking the first month (I was having about 2 glasses of wine a night- too much for my little body anyway you slice it), and gain about 10 pounds from quitting smoking, so I am hoping it balances out. I justified not giving up nicotine for years because I simply couldn’t put on weight. Not just because of vanity but because in my profession, it can really hurt/change my casting opportunities, and that was unacceptable to me. So, the quitting alcohol has been important. Also, because it is one of my biggest triggers. It leaves a hole in how I “reward” myself at the end of the night, and I still need to figure out how to deal with this. So far, I am smothering my children in hugs and kisses as my reward. My 13 year old daughter is a little overwhelmed, but she has no idea how much I need those hugs and kisses.....I love looking into her eyes and knowing I am doing all that I can to LIVE - and not lie or hide anything from her (or my 11 year old son). 
My daughter’s stories of friends vaping is really a tool for my quit, as well. She told me last night after my event/before bed that 6 kids were suspended/expelled (a mix) yesterday at school when a policeman and his drug-sniffing dog found THC vapes in their backpacks and lockers. Whenever I think my problems with quitting are overwhelming, I am going to think of all these young teens who have a big journey ahead in getting the help they need....A generation of people growing up with a vape of nicotine or marijuana in their lungs instead of fresh air and a bright future ahead. It saddens me. I have to do my part and beat this to be an example of someone who lives clean and free- who beat this addiction, even if it is a struggle for the rest of my life (which I can’t imagine it won’t be- other wise I wouldn’t have been a smoker for almost 25 years).... 

That is where I am in my journey. Any thoughts on “Lucy”- gum, lozenges, etc. as a backup would be great, esp. before my commute Monday. Thanks for reading, and happy weekend to you all!

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