I didn't think I would be one of "them".
I thought I was stronger. I thought I was smarter. I thought I was more spiritual. I thought I was better/above it.
I thought I had done all the homework, prayed up and was ready, dedicated and committed.
I had a PLAN. I would succeed.
I had a clearly mapped plan with support. ALL of the bells and whistles.
My quit kit was the ultimate kit...all items I could ever need. Plus....
I read the Easy Way to Stop Smoking book like a bible carefully highlighting/underlining almost every other line, after printing the entire book off on my work computer and carrying it around with me like a security blanket.
I had the BEST reasons to quit-my family.
I told my kids and mom to ensure my commitment and success. I could NEVER let them down.
I studied this site and read and pledged and studied more.
I even moved my quit day up from March 1, 2020, to Feb 26, 2020 (Ash Wed), to Valentine's Day, because by God, I was ready!
THIS was going to work for me. I WOULD QUIT.
And I did.
And it was Easier than I ever imagined.
It was easier with all my support/crutches than I prayed.
It was easier for 15 days.....
Then, I went out Saturday night and drank wine and I did it. I smoked a cigarette. Then, I smoked another. Probably 4 in all. I slipped. I relapsed. I failed.
Next morning, I woke up feeling defeated/weak/ you know all of those feelings.
I decided not to wollow in self loathing/pity and to jump right back on the quit train. And I did. I have not smoked since. So I lost a day of my quit.
I lost Saturday Feb 29, 2020 of my quit. (But if it's 2/29 and leap year, does it count?)
I smoked cigarettes instead of vaping a Juul. I am no longer addicted to cigs for well over a year so this doesn't count as a slip/relapse, RIGHT???
Yes, it counts. I lost Saturday. I lost one day of victory.
I am just like everyone else, of course. Just like "them", I'd read about and pitied for 15 days.
TRULY Humbled.
I intend to deduct this day from my quit count. I am counting day 15 two times.
So, I am considering myself 17 days free, as opposed to 18. I will always deduct this from my count to freedom.
However, I will not go back to 0 or day 1 or 2. I have read here that this is what I am probably supposed to do. And I believe that is what addicts in the 12 Step recovery programs do, go back to day 1. But, I am not.
I choose to see my Saturday night as a "slip up" and not a "relapse". Call me weak. Call me a cheater. Call me a failure/loser. Call me just plain wrong. Judge me how you wish.
But you will not judge me more harshly than I judge myself. And for that very reason, I give myself a grain of grace.-and you should, too. Call it what you will, but we all deserve GRACE.
I messed up. But overall, I have done very well in my quit journey. I have learned so very much and met so many wonderful people and made many self discoveries.
So, I will not look back but ahead. What's done is done. I own it/take responsibility for it/will study it and use it for a learning tool for the future. But it will not bring me down.
~I know there are rules for a reason, but I just CAN'T imagine going back to Day 1 for me. It is just not something I can mentally take at this point. I need to continue forward, carrying my "stolen" days for comfort. Returning to Day 1 is simply too painful to consider for me.
HOW ABOUT THIS??
When I get to 30 days, I'll gladly give up my 15 stolen days?
This works for me. I need it. Thanks for being there for my stubborn, crazy, weird, need to hang on here.
Seems like such a HARSH rule for baby quitters...isn't all this hard ENOUGH?
Moving onward and happy trails.....
marty
DOF 17
