MartyO

I'm one of "them"

Blog Post created by MartyO on Mar 3, 2020

I didn't think I would be one of "them".  

I thought I was stronger.  I thought I was smarter.  I thought I was more spiritual.  I thought I was better/above it.  

I thought I had done all the homework, prayed up and was ready, dedicated and committed.  

I had a PLAN.  I would succeed. 

I had a clearly mapped plan with support.  ALL of the bells and whistles.  

My quit kit was the ultimate kit...all items I could ever need.  Plus....

I read the Easy Way to Stop Smoking book like a bible carefully highlighting/underlining almost every other line, after printing the entire book off on my work computer and carrying it around with me like a security blanket.  

I had the BEST reasons to quit-my family.  

I told my kids and mom to ensure my commitment and success.  I could NEVER let them down.  

I studied this site and read and pledged and studied more.  

I even moved my quit day up from March 1, 2020, to Feb 26, 2020 (Ash Wed), to Valentine's Day, because by God, I was ready!  

 

THIS was going to work for me.  I WOULD QUIT.  

And I did.  

And it was Easier than I ever imagined.  

It was easier with all my support/crutches than I prayed. 

 

It was easier for 15 days.....

Then, I went out Saturday night and drank wine and I did it.  I smoked a cigarette.  Then, I smoked another.  Probably 4 in all.  I slipped.  I relapsed.  I failed.  

 

Next morning, I woke up feeling defeated/weak/ you know all of those feelings.   

I decided not to wollow in self loathing/pity and to jump right back on the quit train.  And I did.  I have not smoked since.  So I lost a day of my quit. 

I lost Saturday Feb 29, 2020 of my quit.  (But if it's 2/29 and leap year, does it count?)

I smoked cigarettes instead of vaping a Juul.  I am no longer addicted to cigs for well over a year so this doesn't count as a slip/relapse, RIGHT???

 

Yes, it counts.  I lost Saturday.  I lost one day of victory.  

I am just like everyone else, of course.  Just like "them", I'd read about and pitied for 15 days. 

 

TRULY Humbled.  

 

I intend to deduct this day from my quit count.  I am counting day 15 two times.  

So, I am considering myself 17 days free, as opposed to 18.  I will always deduct this from my count to freedom.  

 

However, I will not go back to 0 or day 1 or 2.  I have read here that this is what I am probably supposed to do.  And I believe that is what addicts in the 12 Step recovery programs do, go back to day 1.  But, I am not.  

 

I choose to see my Saturday night as a "slip up" and not a "relapse".   Call me weak.  Call me a cheater.  Call me a failure/loser.  Call me just plain wrong.  Judge me how you wish. 

But you will not judge me more harshly than I judge myself.  And for that very reason, I give myself a grain of grace.-and you should, too.  Call it what you will, but we all deserve GRACE.  

 

I messed up.  But overall, I have done very well in my quit journey.  I have learned so very much and met so many wonderful people and made many self discoveries.  

 

So, I will not look back but ahead.  What's done is done.  I own it/take responsibility for it/will study it and use it for a learning tool for the future.  But it will not bring me down.  

 

~I know there are rules for a reason, but I just CAN'T imagine going back to Day 1 for me.  It is just not something I can mentally take at this point.  I need to continue forward, carrying my "stolen" days for comfort.  Returning to Day 1 is simply too painful to consider for me.  

 

HOW ABOUT THIS??  

When I get to 30 days, I'll gladly give up my 15 stolen days?  

This works for me.  I need it.  Thanks for being there for my stubborn, crazy, weird, need to hang on here.  

 

Seems like such a HARSH rule for baby quitters...isn't all this hard ENOUGH?

 

 

Moving onward and happy trails.....

 

marty

DOF 17

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