I SLIPPED TODAY. I feel so ashamed now. Last week I made a post because I was concerned about spending a weekend at my mom's. It was actually a good weekend in comparison so some other's we have had. I found out that she had not been taking her medication correctly when she complained of a severe headache and we checked her blood pressure. She's had this history of forgetting or simply choosing not to take her medications for about 2 years.I gave a tiny lecture over this issue. She did get mad at me over something else later that day and I was treated to a classic silent treatment temper tantrum that lasted until I was packing up to come home. Even though it was a good weekend and relatively calm, my anxiety was through the roof with the expectation of issues with her. I came home on sunday afternoon and I was in the bathroom several times throughout the morning with my rebellious stomach causing multiple issues. As soon as I got in the car to come home my stomach improved and was fine by the time I got home. I walked in the door and discovered nothing had been done while I was gone. The sink and counter was piled with dishes some of which still had food. There was also laundry that needed done had not been done. I feel like everyone is trying to derail my quit, it's like they don't want me to beat this. Maybe they are tired of watching me try and fail so many times in the past . The other day before my weekend away, my daughter said to me , "I feel like this may work this time". I was proud that she was proud but at the same time the "this time" got to me. I felt like she had not had much faith in me up to the point. Then today, I got a phone call just before noon. My mom's neighbor had gone over because mom yelled for her. Mom was severely confused, could not remember if she had taken her medications that morning. She was complaining of a bad headache and her face was red. After checking various systems, blood pressure, pulse, oxygen level, blood sugar, etc. Everything was fine except her blood pressure was high, an ambulance was called and she was taken to the er. I called the er prior to her arrival and told them what the neighbor had told me, also told them she had not been taking her medications and that she has a history of stroke. I asked to be called and informed of what tests were done and the results of those tests. I had no transportation to get there, my daughter was headed out the door to work just as we were notified there was a problem. Without a definite emergency situation she could not call off at that time. It was too close to her shift and could have cost her her job. I sent a message to my husband at work and sat down to wait. It was about 4 pm, I had called the hospital to find out they had done a cat scan and blood work but no results were available yet. I was nearly at panic stage, shaking, afraid to call someone , did not want to miss a call from the hospital . I caved and had a cigarette and then I had another. That's it, just two in the space of about 20 minutes but still I was doing so well, was so proud of myself. How can I do this if I cannot handle this type of stress without that crutch. Not long after that my husband called , he was just about to leave work and I told him what was going on. The hospital called me just before he got home and said she was fine, the problem was simply she was not taking her medications. She admitted as much to them . ON the way to the hospital my husband left his cigarettes on the console (we have a pickup) I asked him to move them out of my reach which he did. I did not tell him that I had already smoked before he got home. Oh and you may ask, where did I get the cigarettes I smoked...well I bought them when I was at mom's over the weekend and never opened them. I was going to give them to my husband when I came home but when my temper flared over the condition of the house and I still did not open them I decided to test myself. I failed! I threw the rest of them away awhile ago, broke them up and flushed them. I guess I have to start all over again tomorrow. Sorry if I am rambling but I needed to get this out, I was suicidal a few years ago and I don't ever want to go into that dark place again. I cannot hold this stuff inside.
