Dark Day

Blog Post created by Mandolinrain on Aug 25, 2020

I am but one week away from 6 years of freedom and I nearly gave in today.


We have had our 'granddog' here since Sunday. My son took his family on a small vacation and 'Yeti' has been here a few times a did, we said sure.


All was well. I have an extra large crate I was using for him ( 4 year old French bulldog). Yesterday he was fine until late afternoon. He was acting tired, lazy. Its been hot here, but we only put him out to do his business. Otherwise he and our Doberman, Nico, are great buddies and pretty much laid on the rug in family room all day together. Either not too active. 5:30 he turned down dinner so after our dinner, I made a blanket nest on the sofa and we decided he must just be homesick, so we all watched a TV show and cuddled. When we turned in for the night he slowly navigated to his crate next to our bed. Nico sleeps in the bed with us.


Fast forward 6:15 this morning. Yeti is stirring around and whining in his cage. Hub had left already for work. Im thinking he needs to go out, so I open his crate door and wonder out to kitchen and put garage door up, Nico comes out but no Yeti.  I walk back through kitchen and Yeti is dragging BOTH hind legs and can't walk. Period.


I know this is an emergency so I load him straight away into the Tahoe and call the vet. Yep, get to Medvet in Columbus Stat.


6:30 we are headed to Interstate 71. Rush hour in Columbus when we arrive, me crying the whole way blinded by fear and tears. They are all waiting for me to arrive, the Docs.


I waited 4 hours in parking lot because due to this COVID *&^%$#, I cant go in with him.

Results came from MRI- Diagnosed with IVDD. He had total rupture of DISCS BETWEEN l3-4 and 5-6 with blood present in Cord area, stenosis and total back paralysis. He had no deep pain sensation. Decide about surgery, 50-50 chance later IF he pulls through and what capacity and quality of life ahead? He may never walk again and / be able to pee without being expressed and 6 month recovery. I CANNOT make this call.


I had to call my son and his wife. Understandable so, they are devastated. I cant help but feel responsible and the desire to smoke is haunting me. But I don't.


Yeti was euthanized awhile ago. The desire to smoke Is gone, I am just drained. Smoking would not change this situation. I know that, but it sucks just the same. I used to smoke for comfort, today I just asked God to help me do the next right and best thing and to please comfort my grandson who I knows heart is bursting and I cant 'fix it'.


Theres a lesson for him in this, I know that, but it just won't make the hurts go away...yet.


Im numb for them. Bad day. Dark day. we ALL have them. 


Smoking will not fix this. I am mostly devastated for my son his wife and the kids. I just have no words for them and I know they do not blame me, yet....he died on my watch. I am sick about it. I am also going to bed.

Sorry so long. I will not smoke.