Mandolinrain

Knowledge and Choices

Blog Post created by Mandolinrain on Mar 26, 2018


The countless hours of dread I used to live in as a smoker
Dreading but wanting the insanity to stop
Knowing the beginning would be painful ( because I had been at the beginning so many times).it hurt…a lot
I gouged myself on this very site. Mostly reading rather than posting.
I was hungry for answers.
Scared of what I had become
What I would become….
Could I even become or feel…peace without the nicotine.
The sleepless nights ......Praying to surrender to sleep
Anger flashes that appeared from nowhere and for no  apparent reason
followed by the shame
Shame for loosing control
They know now , I didn’t mean it.
I had warned them, after all….
I was releasing a demon that was inside
who was about to lose all it had to tie me down
I struggled, I binged on foods to silence my aches, held so deeply inside.
I cried out loud and in silence.
I allowed myself to ‘feel’ the agony
I accepted it and then I let go


Then peace came…
Just when I least expected it
  It will come for you as well
  Each of us on our own time

 

Like a glove it held me close
not to tight
or light
But just enough
I knew
It was over and I won.
Unlike other quits
I knew, this was the one

How, you ask?
Because I ‘knew’
I understood where I was going
I used the map ( this site)
I listened to what my Elders told me 
I engaged in following through with everything I was told to do that would help me.

I have been to the battleground of being a smoker who quit...then it happened
FINALLY

I went in prepared
I researched the enemy ( nicotine)
I had a very good understanding of the deceit and lies and how it affected my brain
I won the war over nicotine
It does not control me anymore
I am free indeed

I will never let go of this freedom
As it has been said…
Freedom isn’t free
It comes with a price
Some pay much more than others
You can use all of the quit smoking aides that are out there if you want…

But nothing will replace knowledge
You will still have to 'go through to get the breakthrough'
No matter what route your choose......

Everyone of us 'went through'

Everyone of us shed tears and/or hurt

 

Now vigilance remains

I am aware of my surroundings at all times

I know what to look for The traps that could lure me back into the depths of addiction 

 

 

For now I hardly even believe I smoked or had the desire. I had smoked for over 30 years.

 

It all boils down to

Knowledge and choices

I started a heavy dose of knowledge and made my choice September 2, 2014

I will always be grateful for this EX Community

My Elders

And especially God...who by His Grace

Guided me here.

 

Goodnight

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