Their back

[Maki]

Sorry some of this may be Christian based , read only if you want to . 

Their back . 

All the things all the triggers that I smoked for . 

All of them and more . I badly want to respond by doing the same things I've always done  ;  smoke , eat , self distruct  , believe the lies , detach , look down on myself and punish only me . 

People don't like being around sad , negative people . People that are not happy get temporary happiness drowning their sorrows in beer , in drugs , in cigarettes , in food , or no food ,  in addiction   .  I gaurentee you smoking won't change sadness into joy , love or acceptance and pity parties don't last baby , love does . 

Selflessness .... giving just a piece of bread to one who has none , is a gift from God . Many wouldn't do that . I can't .

 I am no better than a white tube of crap , life is good with a cigarette and if I'm going to die then I'm going to die happy . But it's never just me that addiction or harm hurts . It's everyone around me . The people I love , the people I'm hurting for , the people I am trying to be better for , and to be here for .

I am worthless and stupid and can't do anything right or good . Not even a piece of bread to the homeless can I share . Fear , anxiety , all overwhelms me .  Yes , I'm there again . 

I don't know if any of you have read the poem P.U.S.H , " Pray until something happens " well that's all I've got to hold on right now . Push ! 

The world around me is dying , my circle of family that surrounds me is dying from painful hurt and there is nothing I can control or do and what I can , I think I can't , or think I shouldn't , don't or won't . Fear , anxiety are a crippling disease . 

The only energy I have left is to pray . I am a believer that prayer AROUND the world can change things . Prayer may not have helped me yesterday but I didn't pray . I know I've never walked alone to have come this far today 60 some years .i never did it alone .

 I don't give up on things easily and I believe  one day all of this pain and suffering will be for good .  No one will have died but to bring forth good. 

                                                                 LOVE In all mankind . 

How long do we pray ? Without ceasing . 

Today is a very bad day for me , yes yesterday was too . I have a heck of a headache .. it's just bern an overall bad few days that everyone else can choose to walk away from. Me I just sit and worry . Worry had no values, no solution . It's worthless . 

I don't know if I have the strength to endure much more , im already burnt out , but He ( my higher power as I know Him ) only gives us what we can handle . I think he's just waiting for me to wake up , pick up my mat and walk in faith but I'm lazy and stupid and still believe the truth is the lies. 

All this said yes , smoking would be a good punishment right now for me , it would also be a good friend . But I need a friend I can trust and I know of only ONE ........ so to that friend right now , I say and ask .....

                                                  I'm tired . Take the wheel . Show me hope . 

Smoking is not going to happen . 

I think it's a good day behind the clouds . 

Good day for a walk , to dance in the rain , sing in the rain , listen to the birds , feel the breeze , see the trees , connect with my friend . Look up or kneel down ....pray .