Today is the first day of the rest of my life. My original quit date was set for October 1, 2020, however, I didn't end up quitting for real until today. I was weak and unprepared to fully commit. Today I decided to stop being weak, to stop making excuses, and to accept the support offered by the Become An Ex community.
In the past, I've quit due to catastrophic events...pregnancy, major illness, surgery. Obviously nothing stuck. I didn't actually want to quit; I just did it because of circumstance. This time feels different. This time feels real. I have reasons and I feel a real urgency. My reasons for quitting are for me, for my children, and for my future. I am always out of breath, and constantly coughing. I stink and feel gross. My kids see me smoking, and I'm setting a terrible example for them. I would be so heart broken if they ended up smoking. I recently found out that heart disease runs rampant in my family and I don't want to put my body through anymore unnecessary harm than I've already done (if that makes sense).
My biggest hurdle dealing with quitting smoking is anger. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD. Much of my anxiety comes out as rage. Smoking was my outlet for that rage. I believe I have found a new outlet for my rage. Spilling my thoughts out as rambling blog posts is my new outlet. Reaching out to strangers who are going through the same thing I am is my release. I have never been one to talk to strangers, or reach out for help. I'm 22 hours in and I'm feeling ok. I've had a few really bad cravings, but managed to get through them.
Story time. Today was the first day I chose to not light up. It sucked. I stayed inside much of the day because going outside is a big trigger for me. I read conversations on how to get through cravings, I encouraged peers to stay on track and keep pushing through the pain, I got angry, and I was proud of myself and others. Tonight we went to a BBQ with my family unit (we have been together since the beginning of COVID and we are safe). Many of my friends are smokers. The first time friend 1 lit up, I was disgusted. The smoke smelled so familiar, yet so disgusting. All I could think of was the gross taste and the awful smell. For me this was very therapeutic. It helped to talk about how I felt and how excited I am for ending my smoking habit. These people will help hold me accountable, as well as all of you.
This is a long post, but writing is going to be extremely therapeutic for me. I understand if no one reads this because of the length. I don't mind. If you have made it this far in my ramblings, thank you. I wish you the best of luck and strength in your journey.
