Losgunna

Day 24

Blog Post created by Losgunna on Jul 31, 2018

   I am looking for a community of people in order to keep on my quit. I have quit many times in the past 5 years or so. Something always triggers me to return. I am hoping by having a community of people going through my similar feelings, I can curb the triggers from taking me over. 

   Generally speaking, what triggers me the most is anger. It's not a one size fits all source. It's a living breathing entity all its own (in my mind at least!!). It morphs easily without notice. It goes from my children, my husband, my mother-in-law, to job stress, and money problems. Having been smoke free for the longest I have in years, I feel my mind is clear enough to say that it obviously wasn't the stress itself that caused me to reach for a smoke...but rather, the stress was my excuse TO smoke. My explanation as to why I so "clearly" deserved this cigarette. (Yeah, ok!)

   I'm tired of being that person. I'm tired of being weak. I feel like I've been looked at like I am broken in some way all my life. I come from a family of abuse. I suffer greatly at the hands of depression and anxiety. I am an enigma when it comes to my own sexuality. I struggle on a daily basis with a self esteem that is microscopic. I live in constant fear most days. 

   Becoming a mother 5 years ago, and also recognizing my need for depression medication has helped me to fight my way back to the light for the most part. I seek to enjoy, adventure, and explore now. I can see colors where there used to only be black, white, and very little gray areas. I feel I am slowly chipping away at the hurdles in my life that hold me back. QUITTING is one of them. I can visualize myself getting better. But there is always there fear...that entity that can sneak up on me at any given moment. An argument with my Mom, husband, or friend. Seeing my son who is on the autism spectrum suffer at the hands of the disorder. The stress of a job I've been at over 12 years, that I'm no longer feeling a passion for anymore.

   My goal is not to avoid these triggers, but to see them as road blocks where there is NO way around. Something I MUST pass over and through. My eyes on the prize. 

 

#depression #triggers #community #hope 

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