I have had a day. Without going in to much detail, let me just say, ANGER and stress remain my triggers. My husband and I had a big old fight (it’s fine we have been married 22 years. We’re gonna fight).
so I was mad as spit, went out to run a few errands and cool off. Do you know, I seriously considered buying a pack of cigs? Crazy after 140+ days. I circled the gas pumps like a cranky old vulture. Like my bad self was gonna go in and buy a pack, after nearly 5 months quit.
But it I didn’t buy them, but ugh I could have.
It got me thinking, what was I looking for? What are we ALL looking for when we break down and relapse?
Was I looking for relief from the anger? For something familiar? To stifle my emotions?
I thought about it all the way home. What did I think a smoke would provide me at that moment?
Personally, I felt a little temper tantrum-y. Like I felt that smoking was the adult equivalent of stomping my feet or punching a wall. I expected some RELIEF.
Kind of weird, right?
But that’s where my brain was. Sometimes typing it out helps.
Rest assured, I drove home and all is fine. I didn’t smoke, I don’t think I was ever in jeopardy, but it sure was a reminder that I’m still a baby quitter. maybe a toddler.
Protect your precious quits, my friends. And be nice to your spouses!;-)