When I embarked on this quit, I didn't really think far in advance. I focused on "one day at a time", and kept my thinking in the short term.
I think I vaguely remember reading About NML, the 2 set of seasons etc, and freaking out.
It only seems proper, I guess, that ridding myself of this addiction takes a long time. I guess I shouldn't be surprised when I feel like lighting up at 72 days quit, or practically salivate at the smell sometimes.
Anyone can quit in the acute phase. The weekend, the (god forbid) hospital stay. What I'm finding tough, is this continued challenge of NML, and how it is still a daily conversation with myself.
Things that have improved :
1. Coughing is GONE. Most notably first thing in the morning. It was pretty bad before I quit. Probably flirting with developing chronic bronchitis.
2. Endurance. I'm not out of breath exercising
3. Vanity. Lines around my mouth and eyes have faded. My teeth seem brighter.
4. Stink. I'm no longer self conscious or worried about getting busted. (Closet smoker).
Things still irritating;
1. Coffee is not satisfying
2. Reward Center of my brain is still crying for attention. I don't know how to explain it- I feel unfulfilled.
3. CONSTANT thoughts of smoking. Not cravings, just memories and "pangs". bordering on obsessing. Why do I think about it all the time?!
There is NO going back to smoking.
I can't have "just one". The elders have taught me "they travel in packs". I know this to be true.
I suppose I'm just lamenting how difficult it is, and a word of caution to those who are just starting out; DO NOT let your guard down. Please hang in here for the long haul. And I'm beginning to realize more than ever that it really is a long haul.
Happy to be on this journey with you all.
Looking forward to reading this in a year and thinking "whew! Glad THAT mess is behind me"'
thanks for hearing me think out loud;-)
lisa xoxox
