Thought I was ready.

Blog Post created by Lindsey_VanRemington on Nov 15, 2017

I fell off the wagon before the day even began. I turned off my 5:34 am alarm and returned to the couch. I woke at 7 to my daughter coming out of her room, I grabbed my glasses off the table and didn't even see the Bible that I had set out next to them last night. I made her a quick breakfast, made coffee, and chain smoked the morning away. 


I just ugly cried in the bathroom. Not because I messed up already, but because the shared pack is in his pocket and I'm too proud to ask him for one. I managed to stand with him while he smoked, I felt so choked up I could barely speak. He didn't offer one, I didn't ask. 


He only said "what'r you doin?" this morning when he saw I was smoking, and I didn't really have anything to say, so we didn't talk about it. 


How many times can I say I'm ready? How many times can I say I want this and then stop the pursuit as soon as action is required? How can I say that I want my life to change when I'm unable to move?