Not an EX

Blog Post created by LilMama88 on Mar 2, 2019

Today I am a smoker. A smoker standing at the edge of the EX cliff, shakily looking down. I want to jump, I'm preparing to jump, but yet my brain still whispers, " you've tried this, remember? You belly flopped at dismount and you'll mess up again." That's the thing with my addiction, (and I've had many) it's always right there trying to trip me up. Looking for ways to keep me leaning on that crutch another day, another hour. Paralyzing me from moving forward in my life My therapist says I shouldn't quit yet. Not right now, not while fighting other vices and mental illness. But my heart says it's time. My heart quietly recites all my reasons for being here today, standing alone on this cliff. The promise  I made 12 years ago to my weary grandmother, (a life long smoker), as she lay dying of cancer. The promise I made 5 years ago to my bright eyed 6 year old daughter, so full of Hope when i made the promise because, well because she'd never felt the still of shattered words yet..... All the promises I've made and broken to myself. And I'm tired. I'm just tired of this up and down good today bad tomorrow routine I'm stuck in. It serves me no good purpose anymore all it does is destroy everything I've worked so hard and been so incredibly blessed to have in my life. It's threatening my credibly, my character, my sense of self, value of self, and worst of all jeprodizing (SP?) My family. That is NOT ok. So I'm gonna stay here on this cliff a little longer. Read more of your triumphant stories and make my personal plan. Then .... Then I JUMP.