At this point I'm not sure where I'd be if I didn't quit. A lot has changed since I posted last. I had to move back home after a really tumultuous breakup, and now I'm living on the East Coast again. It's kind of crazy to think about, but if I go back to the decision that turned my direction around, it leads back to quitting cigarettes. It opened up healthier pathways in my life. After quitting, I turned to my own health. I started eating better, gave up eating meat, and I was the happiest I had been in a long time. My low self esteem was on the rise and I was really please with my progress. I was getting excited by life again. Of course, everything comes to an end.
The reason I pinpoint cigarettes as the catalyst is because my boyfriend at the time smoked. He said he was going to quit with me, but never did. I told him about this site, I had the audio book of The Easy Way which I was happy to lend him. I told him about all the great things about quitting, and while he said he proud of me, he never even tried to quit himself. I think this became a divergence between us. While I was getting healthier, he was staying the same. The bars we used to go to weren't as fun anymore. Now that I knew what waking up feeling healthy was like, I hated feeling hungover. Since I was changing, and he wasn't, he found comfort in a girl at his work, and while he claims nothing physical happened, the text messages I found are why I left.
Through the most stressful time of my entire life, I didn't smoke. There were definitely times when I was craving, but did something else instead. I focused on the fact that I knew if I was a smoker during such a time, I would have smoked way more than I would've on a normal day. I thought about all the money I was saving. I stay quit knowing that smoking would not have made me feel any better, because there's no possible, rational way that's possible. Cigarettes didn't cause my stress, it was caused by something else, so smoking would've never changed that to begin with. I'm very happy that I was strong.
I wouldn't say that I'm completely healed yet by any means, but I'm choosing to believe that everything happens for a reason. This situation allowed me to get a place where I'm safe now. I'm no longer living with two alcoholics. I'm no longer being secretly mistreated by someone who's supposed to love me, and I don't have to live my life with addiction. I think quitting cigarettes gave me the strength to leave, when the smoker version of myself with lower self worth probably would've stayed. Or I'd still be drinking at the same bar every night, hanging out with other addicts. I believe that people attract others who have similar vibrations to their own, and I feel like I can attract even better things into my life now that I've freed up some space.
Moral of the story: I am the most irrational, emotionally-driven person I know, and if I can stay a non-smoker during this incredibly difficult time of my life, I believe that anyone can. Stay strong.