I finally found the only good thing about cancer sticks; they prevented me from putting a hole in my tongue from biting it so much. Apparently I am a blunt person with a harsh tone of voice. It is probably the only thing I truly inherited from my Dad. You never Knew if he was serious or joking, usually it didn't take long for him to smile if it was a joke. My Mother was the type of person who could tell you off and leave you smiling, before you figured out what happened. I wanted to be like her, but truly I believe I am lost somewhere in the middle and I hate it.
In the last 2 years our lives have done a lot of changing. We went from a 5 year retirement plan, down to a 2 year plan, that jumped to a 6 month plan in the matter of a week. My life had already taken a personal shift, to the point I could no longer handle my job as a bookkeeper/office assistant after beginning the detox process from the mental misdiagnosis, I had already quit working. My quit went to full retirement 6 months later. Yes I could go back to work, but have not found the job I would enjoy. I have once again started to learn who I am, I have been trying to make changes.
The one change I can't seem to make it my tone of voice or my bluntness. I was not raised in a politically correct world. I was taught to say what you thought, and at least try to listen to the other thoughts around you. Apparently, yesterday I "told" my husband to wear his new ankle brace instead of "asking" him. Which in turn had him throwing the fact that I had been cheating cigarettes for the last three years right back in my face. I was however proud of myself biting my tongue, fuming inside and never said a word. When he asked me why at was made at him, I asked him the same question. That's when I realized my mouth had done it again. I really wish my reprogramming would hurry up and kick in full speed so that I would catch my words before they left my mouth. I know we all do it at some time or another, but this is getting ridiculous.
I realize that the second part of that paragraph also must be looked at. I did not realize that my husband had not noticed all the cheating on my quit. I never hid it from him, but on day two when I was looking back I realized that I had cheated a lot. During the course of a conversation I confessed what I had realized. I didn't understand that this had hurt him, until he threw it back at me on day 3. Being the detrimentalist that I am, I spent the first half of yesterday trying to figure out where I was going to live, how to find a job in this economy, how this would affect our family. The one thing I knew for sure was I was not getting a divorce. But, when he told me he was mad at me because I told him what to do, I knew the other was said out of hurt. Yes, we need to talk about it. Yes, there are a lot of amends to be made, if I can keep my mouth shut and listen, it may be easier to know what truly needs to be amended, not just what I think needs to be amended.
So, today I will work on me. Both my mouth and my thoughts. I know I have not been thinking the right thoughts to begin with, time to focus my mind back on what is truly good, and right.
Thanks for listening(:
Pam 4 DOF