I can't unsay it. Years of hurt feelings, jealousy, anger just permeating under the surface. I just lashed out at a sister I love. I said such hurtful things and it sounded like an attack on her personality. I suppose to some degree it was. But who am I to do that. A sister who has been close, caring and loving. Some of what I said was warranted. The way I said it was mean. The bubbling anger and family dysfunction and family karma and years of irritation where unleashed.
Crap. You think you will feel better. That maybe you can heal once things are said. Then after saying them and seeing how horribly you hurt that person you feel worse. I could have been kinder. I could have added some sugar to the vinegar that spewed.
So now I sit. Sit with some regret. Not all regret. I am holding it all. Not trying to smoke it away or drink it away. I have to let it be. I won't apologize for my feelings but have for the way I relayed them. You know sometimes you just don't know if it can be mended. Time will tell.
