Good Morning My Friends,
Yes, it has been way too long since I have logged on. Yes, I am smoking again. No, it didn't help. Am I tired of smoking, YES!
My daughter was pregnant and her baby had early onset intrauterine growth restriction. The doctors continued to tell my daughter there was nothing that she did to cause this. In May, as I played with my grandson at the rec center, waiting to celebrate the gender of the baby with her parents, I received a call from my daughter informing me the baby was too small and there were complications. Every Thursday she went in to see the specialists and every week they told her the baby would probably not make it. First they found a kink in the umbilical cord, then her heart was enlarged and other organs were compromised. Each week I dreaded Tragic Thursdays. I went to some appointments with my daughter and viewed the ultrasounds and watched and listened to Cora's heart beating. She was a fighter!
Then, on Thursday, August 29th, both my daughter's returned from the weekly appointment. My grandson and I were playing at her house. As soon as they walked in I knew something was wrong. For some reason, I didn't think she had passed though. My daughter was told since May that Cora may pass but at one point they thought she might survive. Yes, she would have a multitude of problems. She was under 1 pound for several months but had gained an ounce here and there. Cora had passed on. We were all in shock. I guess we shouldn't have been but she had continued to hold on for so long.
She delivered Cora on Friday August 30th. She went home the next day.
As parents we naturally want to protect our children. There was absolutely nothing I could do to protect her from this tragic experience. A little girl. We had all wanted one. We knew this would be our last addition to the family. I have one grandson and am so blessed. We have continued to grieve this loss as her due date was yesterday. Our little Cora, now in heaven is held close by many who love her.
My smoking didn't help anything. It didn't make anyone feel any better. It didn't save Baby Cora. It didn't alleviate any sadness, suffering, loss. It just put me back in the place where Day One is ahead. I am afraid. I am disappointed in myself. But, I am strong and I want to live. I want to be free. I want to never smoke again. I want to be here for my children, grandson, friends and family.
Thank you all for reading my blog. I know this site has so many wonderful people who support us no matter what. Well, I am back and appreciate all of you.
Hugs to all,