I didn't share that I had to put my Ivan, the 17 month old GSD down on December 10th. I had only had him for 4 months. Not sure I can really talk about it now either but I am just sitting here with the tears streaming down my face. God, I loved him so much. God, I miss him so much. If there would have been any other way..........
Even then while I was smoking, I cried so much. Not even the cigarettes could dull the pain of having to make a decision like that. We were inseparable. I know God brought us together because I would do the right thing. I was surprised that God believed in me enough to trust me to do what I had to but I needed to realize how strong, loving and selfless I could be.
I still have boxes downstairs that I just touched briefly, full of toys, treats, puzzles, medicines, etc.........I guess I thought I was doing better than I really am. I had to come back upstairs. Just touching his leash, collar, favorite ball, makes my heart ache.
I went to a Foster Care Orientation yesterday at a local Shelter. Of course I wanted to bring several of the dogs home with me. I am not sure that I trust myself right now. I don't know whether to wait or just delve back into dogs. The house is so empty and so is my heart.