Hello Friends, I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I am staying very close to the Ex site and reading lots of Newbie information, printing out recipes for success and things to do instead of smoking. I am so grateful for all the great information gathered here and all the wonderful Ex members who post great tips and support. I lost my 491 day quit mainly due to not staying in touch with the support group here and turning a blind eye to what was going on in my head.
I rescued a 16 month old German Shepherd a few months ago. He is a handful but I am in love with him. After I put Luka down, a year and a half ago and my sweet kitty Turbo, last March, I had all kinds of freedom for a while. I did love it, but missed a furry companion. I had decided to rescue this time, as Luka was from a breeder. Little did I know that Ivan, my new GSD, would have so many issues and little did I know that LOVE really can mend so many of them. That we can start over. We can RELEARN new behaviors. That we can give people another chance and learn to trust again. Also, that I have to go super slow with him. He is almost 70 pounds and with me at about 100 pounds right now (lost a few because of smoking) he can hurt me if I am not careful. He has come so far. He listens more often. Looks to me before he does something he shouldn't. Tries to control himself more often and allows me to help soothe him when he loses it. He rescued me and I am learning so much from him. He doesn't like smoke, hairspray, perfume or any other substance that isn't natural. I see how so many things we think we need in this world aren't good for us. There aren't natural or healthy. I am seeing the world with new eyes and looking to him to remind me how wonderful each new day is and how everything is fresh again. Exciting, promising, rewarding and difficult, tempting, overwhelming.
I realize how I've ignored my feelings. Ignored my needs. Ignored what's good for me. Let my impulsive tendencies take over. Ate less, drank more, stopped going to the gym, riding my bike, connecting with friends. I'm sick of the guilt I feel each time I go out and smoke and pollute the air for others and hide in my backyard.
Ivan loves that we go out so much. I want to smoke and I throw the ball for him while I do. Yes, we will go out no matter the weather to get our fix. Going out tomorrow without the smoking may be difficult for a while, but he loves playing and I love him. Maybe I will move the glider I sit on and that will help.
I have two cigs left in my pack and I am fighting with myself not to buy another pack to get me through today.
Thanks for your support.
Laura
