I feel like a fraud!

Blog Post created by Lauralives on Aug 10, 2018

Good Morning Exers,

As I sit and let the thoughts surface, feeling like a fraud takes over.  Having had those 491 days of freedom and feeling good and proud of myself, I never thought I'd be sitting here again so darn addicted and vulnerable.  I didn't think I was too confident but obviously taking that first puff is deadly.

The raise in my heart rate and blood pressure, the nervousness, the coughing, the sweaty palms, the anxiety all remind me how dangerous smoking is.  The spot on my lung they found a few years ago begs me to stop and not have another puff.  Not one.  But I do.  

I want to quit for myself but I want to quit for my neighbors too.  Why should they be subject to the lingering smoke in the beautiful air they breath?  I want to quit for my grandson.  I want to be around and healthy for him as he grows.  I want to quit for my children.  Even though my oldest vaps and youngest still smokes, I want them to see that it is possible to live a smoke free life.

I count the 8 cigarettes left in my pack.  Can I smoke these all today and just quit tomorrow?  My mind says, "Only if you decide you really want to!"  Then I think it's just all a bunch of BS.  Quit already!!  I feel guilty and know how all of you have struggled and tell myself to get over it.  Stop ruminating, stop feeling sorry for yourself, even though I don't admit I might be. 

Another day of hiding while I smoke.  Another day of washing my hands, using perfume, brushing my teeth and using mouthwash to try and erase the evidence.  Really Laura?  Is it worth it?