Thank you for all of your support. The point that I want to make is that inside of me, there was still a void that I hadn't filled. Without all those activities that helped me keep my quit, I still had so much pain that I hadn't dealt with. I know we all have past pain and I'm not whining but I didn't do the work I needed to do. I just became super busy doing. Biking, hiking, gardening and walking, traveling and stuffing down the pain that was eating me from the inside out. I stopped using my support group here and stopped meditating, reading, reflecting and journaling. That smoke screen was gone, but I didn't go further into why I hide behind addictions. I had quit drinking for 4 months when I quit smoking but started drinking again and it escalated. Bad idea. Now I see that drinking has to go too.
Tomorrow is my quit day. I'll get to the pool at the rec center and walk in the lazy river as that is so healing. I'll soak in the hot tub. I'll make tea, some healthy food, meditate, read and get together with a close friend and cook a nice dinner. I am seeing my therapist again as it is time to peel back that onion another layer and heal a little more.
Yes, I am afraid, but I am also courageous. I smoked 8 days and it was pretty miserable. My pain increased, I felt so bad about myself, I had worked so hard to stay quit but the safety net was not in place. Not in place in the way I see I need it now. Love yourself friends and have the contingency plan, especially early on in your quit. The plan for me is to work on embracing all that I am. The mistakes, the hurt, the loneliness, the denial. The beauty, sensitivity, love of animals, my helping nature. Balance. It is all part of life and being human.
Will connect tomorrow!
P.S. How do I subtract the 8 days from my total quit days? Please tell me I don't have to start over!!