So I'm not sure how else to view some of the things that have happened since I quit smoking except to say they have tested me again and again and again. It has made me stronger. Sometimes really angry. Often quite sad, and more than once it really pushed me to ponder life. These events made me realize I've got a lot more moxie than I realized and it certainly revealed the fact that cigarettes don't help ANYTHING!! Smoking would have made me feel more anxious. It would have complicated things, made me feel guilty because I would have had to sneak away and smoke.
I was present for the whole of it all. I was able to see, feel, hear, touch and taste all the complicated emotions that surrounded the events. I didn't hide behind smoking. It is amazing how moving toward 60 days of not smoking, how I have noticed the evolution of recovery. I have a long way to go but it is interesting how the body and mind and emotions change as your quit evolves. If we can stay curious, we can find the healing goes much deeper than just physically. We still won't be able to figure out why things happen, but we may be able to handle things better.
Yesterday I took my 7 year old grandson to buy shoes. He was sitting on the little stools they use to assist you in trying on shoes. The stool slipped and cut his hand so very deeply as he tried to steady it. Blood was everywhere. I worried tendons were cut.. After much chaos, I drove to the ER and thankfully they glued the lacerations shut and splinted his fingers. Being able to drive him to the ER and remain calm and return home and not smoke was great. I am still processing all of this and I must admit, I am pretty traumatized but I am DEALING with it.
It has been a pretty tough ride. I'm not used to having so much trauma. I am grateful for that but wonder why all this is happening. I have been praying a lot. It has made me wonder about so many things. I am not saying that is a bad thing! I'm not smoking and THAT is AWESOME!!