Last week I was riding the endless waves of cravings and urges. I still didn't want to smoke even though the cravings just kept coming . I did not cave in to the urges.
In the midst of that the sadness started to show up even in dreams . So looking at H A L T.
The L stands out for me.
I am lonely and heart broken . But not because I stopped smoking. The L stands for a very real fact of life which the smoking cannot cure. I think cigarettes hid this from me and now its in my face instead of the cigarette. BUT IT SUCKS . Is this no mans land stuff? Does it matter if it is or not ? Does everyone go through no mans land?
I fear I won't make it . I fear I am already damaged goods and that my brain is so messed up that I will never succeed at being a non smoker and then that makes me feel even sadder. So ok I waste another day wallowing in my addiction recovery . I think some people do not have the luxury to fully embrace their recovery or even have the luxury of being depressed because their life situations do not have room for wallowing . I am so weak and such a wreck .
I won't smoke but I just might crawl back into bed and sob
